If you really want to end the relationship, then you should make a list of all the reasons you’re unhappy in the relationship – and all the reasons those things can’t be fixed.
Once you’ve decided to break up with your partner, don’t go around telling your close friends, or anyone at all, or it may get back to that person. It’s okay to come to a close friend or family member for advice, but once you’ve made your decision, the mature thing to do is to tell your partner next.
Don’t break up with your partner in your favorite restaurant, bar, or your favorite spot in a park. Pick a neutral location that has no special meaning for either of you. Pick a time when you know you’ll be in a relatively calm emotional state. Don’t break up with your partner after you know you’ll be staying late for a stressful meeting at work.
The only time it’s acceptable to end the relationship over the phone is if you’re in a long-distance relationship and know you won’t see each other for a while, or if you’re in a controlling or manipulative relationship. If your ex is prone to outbursts, violence, or manipulative behaviors, it is much safer for you to end the relationship at a distance.
Avoid any comment that gives the impression that this is a trial separation and that you might resume things after a break. You may think that it’ll ease the pain to tell your partner “I’m not ready for this right now” or “Maybe this can work down the road. . . " but if you don’t really mean it, then that will only be adding to your partner’s pain.
The hardest reason for a breakup is if you’re just not in love anymore, because it’s not that person’s fault. In that case, you should still be honest, but say it as gently as you can. Once you’ve given your main reason, you don’t have to go into all the details and rehash old arguments, unless the person is genuinely confused. There’s no reason to bring up past problems and add insult to injury. Don’t put the person down and make him feel insecure and worthless. Don’t say, “I just want to be with a real man” – instead, say, “I think you still have to work on developing your confidence. " Whatever the reason is, it shouldn’t be a complete surprise to the person. If you kept up open lines of communication, then it won’t be coming out of nowhere. Avoid making a long list of reasons as to why you’re dumping them. Boil down your well-thought-through reason to the essential problem: “We are not compatible enough in key areas,” “I don’t feel supported by you in my career path, and I don’t want to change my path,” “I want children and you don’t,” or other similar and specific details.
Comfort them if they need it, but don’t take this too far. Voice your opinions if things are getting too uncomfortable or inappropriate. You don’t want to be drawn down the same path that led you to this moment. Be compassionate, but be firm and cut the contact short if it seems to be escalating. If you’re worried about leaving your ex alone, call a friend of theirs and explain what happened, where they are, and what you’re concerned about, and what you want the friend to do. Apologize for the pain the situation has caused and thank this friend for helping and leave it at that. If your ex is furious to the point that nothing will get through to them just then, say, “It’s not productive to just yell at one another. I’ve made my decision, and I won’t change my mind, but I will talk with you if you can remain calmer. Take some time to settle down, and then call me - we can talk again then. " If your ex does call, keep your word. Pick up the call. If there are questions, be honest and kind with your answers, but keep the conversation short and civil so you don’t prolong the pain.
If you have mutual friends and want to avoid each other for a while, make a “joint custody” plan to see your friends without running into each other. If you both have a favorite coffee shop or go to the same gym every time, try to set a schedule that helps you avoid each other. You don’t have to be too rigid or organized about this, but it can help you avoid the pain of running into each other. If you have each other’s things or even live together, make a plan for sorting out your belongings as soon as possible so you don’t have to keep seeing each other.
When discussions become circular––in other words, you just travel around and around the same points without coming to a point of resolution––stop. That’s the moment to say, “I think we should continue this later, or not,” and leave. If the person doesn’t understand why you’re breaking up with them, you can try to make things clearer in a letter or message. Say what you need to say, let the other person explain themselves in a message so they feel that they’ve been listened to, and leave it at that. It can be easier to disentangle when you’re doing it while apart.
If your ex asks “Can we still be friends?”, say, “No, we can’t still be friends. For now, though, I think it’s best we just let things end. " If pressed, say, “Look, we started out as friends and went past that. To be friends, we’d have to go back, and frankly, I don’t want to go back. We need to go forward now. That means we need to put some space between our broken relationship and any new relationship we might form. Let’s take a break, take some time, and give each other the space we need to heal and move on. At some later point, when we meet again, we might be able to put our anger aside and be friendly. Let’s leave it at that. " However, make this the last contact between you two. Make the break final with no further contact ever. If there are mutual friends that are shared by the both of you, inform them of the breakup and also inform them that you will not appear at any functions that your ex-lover will be present at and if that means they have to choose sides, so be it.
After the break-up, take some time to yourself to re-evaluate your life and think about what you can do to be happy in the future. It’s okay if you want to spend a week or two crying, writing in your journal, and just holing up in bed. But after that, it’ll be time to get out in the world again and to slowly start to get back into the swing of things. Calling a good friend in your time of need can make you feel better. Going out to the clubs to get obliterated off alcohol the night after your breakup probably won’t make you feel better. (Alcohol has the effect of intensifying emotions, good or bad, so it could actually make a lot worse. )
If you want to start feeling like your old self, you should avoid doing the things that you and your ex loved to do together for a while, whether it’s going hiking in your favorite spot or having drinks at a certain bar. Make some changes. To feel new, rearrange your furniture, clean your car, and pick up a new hobby you’ve never done before, such as volleyball or art class.
