Self-compassion involves three basic elements: self-kindness (accepting yourself as a flawed but worthwhile human being), common humanity (understanding that all humans make mistakes), and mindfulness (recognizing and accepting experiences without judging them). If you catch yourself making generalizing statements such as “I’ll never find someone who loves me” or “Nobody wants me,” try to find evidence that challenges these statements, such as “I haven’t found a romantic relationship yet, but I do have friends who like to be around me” or “My value does not depend on whether others want me. I am worthy of love because I am human. ” Psychologists have demonstrated that challenging these self-negating beliefs can actually change how you feel about yourself. [2] X Research source
Many things about a person can and do change, but we usually all have some core values that tend to remain constant throughout our lives, such as ambition, honesty, consistency, flexibility, or vulnerability. These beliefs guide our behavior, choices, and actions. Understanding what these are for you will help you find someone who shares them. [5] X Research source Other important things about yourself to consider could be whether or not you feel the desire to have children, how you approach earning and managing money, your decision-making processes, and your need to find a partner who shares your religious beliefs. [6] X Research source
Keep your expectations realistic. It’s quite appropriate and healthy to desire a partner who respects and supports you; without those behaviors, you can’t have a healthy relationship. However, it’s not healthy to need a partner to make you feel “whole” or “worthwhile. ” Those are needs you can only meet for yourself. It’s common to have a list of “must-haves” for a partner, but therapists say that the most important “must-have” in a romantic relationship is someone who shares your core values. For example, if you value emotional openness and the other person doesn’t, it will be very difficult for you to maintain a fulfilling relationship. [7] X Research source
Also consider the types of friends you tend to have. While most of us have friends with very different personalities, in many cases they will still possess core traits that allow us to form fulfilling relationships with them. For example, if you notice that most of your close friends are extroverts, you may want to look for a partner who is extroverted. If you tend to have very openly affectionate friends, a partner who is less emotionally demonstrative might not satisfy your needs.
Reflection can also help you pinpoint any unhealthy or unproductive behaviors that occurred in your last relationship; often, those same behaviors will come back to haunt your new relationship unless you take action to change yourself and how you search for romance.
This causes issues because it doesn’t allow either partner to live as a unique individual within a healthy couple relationship. It fosters dependency, possessiveness, and putting the other person into a set “role” rather than accepting the challenges that come with real adult relationships. [11] X Research source Signs of a “fantasy bond”-based relationship include: Difficulty in expressing interests or ideas other than those you share with your partner Relying on everyday routines for intimacy rather than emotional closeness Overusing “we” statements, speaking for the other person Defining yourself as a “role” (wife, mother, breadwinner, father) rather than developing personal goals and interests Discomfort in pursuing any activities or interests on your own, without your partner (or discomfort if your partner does these things)
Talk about your ideas, goals, and interests. The ability to share what’s most important to you with another person is one of the highlights of romantic relationships. Avoid mind-reading. Especially if you feel like you know someone well, it can be tempting to “read between the lines” when they say something, particularly if that something has upset you. For example, if your significant other forgot an important date for you, a mind-reading response would be: “You forgot this because you don’t really care what’s important to me. ” If you find yourself or your significant other saying things like “If you really loved me you would…. ” take a step back. [13] X Research source Ask the other person what happened; don’t make assumptions.
While you don’t want to dwell on or overly criticize your partner’s flaws, acknowledging them is healthy. All humans have flaws and make mistakes; being honest about this will help you accept the other person for who they are, rather than an idea of what you want them to be.
Particularly if you’ve experienced abusive or traumatic relationships in the past, it can be easy to feel as though you need to change yourself to make yourself “lovable” to the other person. However, while we all make small changes (keeping the house neater, showing up on time, etc. ) to accommodate the other person’s needs, you should not feel as though you need to “settle” for someone who mistreats you or makes you feel as though you need to change something fundamental about yourself to make them happy. [17] X Research source If you feel afraid to express your true feelings, or if you worry about acting as you normally would around your partner, you may not be in a relationship that’s healthy for you.
