What thoughts have you had that make you think you might be a lesbian? Have you had sexual thoughts about women? What about men or people of other genders? If you have been in relationships with men, how was your level of attraction in that relationship? Did you feel motivated to initiate and engage in physical affection/intimacy? Do you find women beautiful? Do you think that’s an aesthetic appreciation (which anyone can have)? Or does that tie into stronger emotions?
Have you wanted to kiss, touch, or do something romantic for other women and nonbinary people? Have you ever had thoughts about any other genders in this way? Which feelings bring you more pleasure?
Think about writing down your questions ahead of time so that you don’t forget if you get nervous. Make sure that you trust this person so that they don’t out you before you are ready and in a safe situation.
You might say something like “Hey Monica, you’re one of my best friends, can I trust you with something private? I’ve been wondering if maybe I’m lesbian or not. Have you ever thought that maybe I am?” If you’re nervous about telling your friends, try finding out what they think about queer topics in general first. Asking them about a recent news article is an easy way to bring this up. Don’t talk to your family or friends if you have good cause to feel afraid of their reactions. If you are likely to be abused or cut off financially, protect yourself. However, do find someone to talk to. If you aren’t ready to tell anyone you know, try a hotline, online forum, support group, counselor, or therapist.
If you aren’t sure but would like to explore romantic or sexual encounters with women, you can tell people you are “questioning. " If you are attracted to women but are unsure about the labels (lesbian? bisexual? queer? pansexual? trans and straight?), you could identify as queer, a label that doesn’t specify whether you feel a difference in your orientation, gender, or both. If you feel like you need a label, consider if the desire is coming from within or because you feel pressured by someone or something. Don’t let anyone make you feel forced to decide.
Sometimes, confusion over our identity comes from treating sexual attraction and romantic attraction like they have to be the same thing. It’s okay to be sexually attracted to someone (or even a whole gender), but not want to become romantic partners—or the other way around. If you want to learn more about this, look up information about being asexual, demisexual, or aromantic.
You define your own gender identity, not your birth certificate or your genitals (this relates to your assigned sex at birth, not your gender). If people have assumed you are a woman your whole life, but if calling yourself a woman feels wrong or irrelevant, you might be trans. You could look into the trans experience (including nonbinary gender identities).
Denying your feelings so that you can comply with the expectations of a label that you’ve previously applied to yourself can cause mental and emotional harm. It’s okay to follow a new path if that’s what’s right for you.
Counseling, support groups, affirmation journaling, and building a support network of allies can all help you stay strong and protect you.
Also be mindful of the way that straight women and men are primed and conditioned to think about those of the ‘opposite’ gender. People of all genders are conditioned from a young age to think only about those of the ‘opposite’ gender in a romantic context. If your feelings for women seem purely sexual, it could be that you don’t have a clear idea about what dating a woman would look like. It might be worth trying out romantic dates (or just imagining them) to help you work out if this is the case.
