Having anger issues or exhibiting abusive behaviors Dating several people at once Being unworthy of trust Being already in a relationship or married Having health issues like an STD Having a drug or alcohol problem Being inattentive Having poor hygiene
For example, if you think honesty is really important, you are unlikely to mesh well with a partner who lies. What’s more, it’s likely to cause a rift in the relationship if your partner expects you to lie. Find out your core values by answering these questions and looking for reoccurring themes: If you could change something about the community you live in, what would it be? Why? Who are the two people you respect or admire the most? What traits do you admire about these people? If your home caught on fire and all the living beings were safely out, what three items would you choose to rescue? Why? Which moment in your life made you feel very satisfied? What happened to make you feel that way?
Write down any negative patterns you can uncover from your relationships with past lovers, friends, or family members that did not fulfill you. Consider these problem areas as a foundation for what you don’t want in the future.
For example, maybe your sister was devastated after her boyfriend cheated. You helping her through this time made you aware of how important it is to be faithful in a relationship. Take note of any such red flags from others’ relationships that you don’t want to have happen in yours. Learning from the mistakes of others may help you to enjoy a more satisfying relationship in the future.
Creating a list of your favorite qualities about yourself (e. g. friendliness, your smile, etc. ) Speaking to yourself in a gentle, loving way as you would a friend Becoming aware of your inner needs and desires and living in accordance with them Caring for your body Managing stress Avoiding the tendency to dwell in the past—live in the now
For example, you might think you’re ready to settle down, but deep down you know you’re not ready for that kind of commitment. Or conversely, you might think you just want to have some casual fun, but you know from past relationships that you get too emotionally invested. [4] X Research source
For instance, if a deal-breaker for you was someone who has a drug or alcohol problem, you might transform that into “concern for physical and mental health”. You know you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who uses drugs or alcohol abusively, so you would look for someone who seems to prioritize health. Add more ’nice-to-have’ qualities as you think of them. Be completely honest with yourself. If physical attractiveness is a deal breaker for you, put that down. But try to focus on qualities that don’t have to do with looks, such as intelligence, patience, and empathy. You should also think about things like religion and politics, which may or may not be relevant to you. Don’t leave anything out, no matter how embarrassing or trivial it seems.
For example, if physical health and well-being is an important quality you are asking for in a partner, strive to spend a month focusing wholeheartedly on your own health—eating well, exercising, fighting stress, and getting sleep. Keep up the good habits after the month ends. Let’s say you listed “be rich” as a quality you wish for. If you yourself will have trouble becoming rich out of the blue, then you may want to relax this quality to something like “is financially stable. ”
Know your limitations before you step into this domain, however. You may not want to become physically intimate with several people at the same time. Also, it’s wise to make sure you communicate that you are dating casually to prevent hurt feelings. Set a timeline for when you should stop seeing someone if you don’t feel a natural connection. If someone seems to become serious, or you start feeling more attracted to one person over another, cut ties with everyone else and follow your instinct.
At this point, you may naturally feel a better connection or more aligned with one person over any others. Now is the time to cut off any ties with other suitors so that you can focus on strengthening the relationship you have with this person and maintain fidelity. Even if someone seems like a good match on paper, you might not have any real chemistry in person. That’s okay! Instead of trying to force it, move on to a different suitor. [7] X Expert Source Christina Jay, NLPMatchmaker & Certified Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
You must consider whether the seemingly small things that annoy you about your partner will be magnified as the rose-colored glasses come off. Return to your list and make sure that you haven’t been overlooking any important values or qualities due to being head-over-heels. For example, if cleanliness was important for you at the onset, are you going to be able to ignore how your girlfriend piles dishes in the sink for days on end? Before you break up with the person for any perceived slight, consider that you are bound to dislike to some small quirk of your partner. Just make sure you aren’t overlooking any non-negotiables.
Be straightforward about your feelings. If your partner is not interested in a long-term relationship, it’s better to know that early on. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can change their mind one way or another. Ask your mate for some quiet time and express your feelings about this relationship. You might say “I have really enjoyed getting to know you over the past few months. I wanted to see how you felt about our connection and where we stand?” It’s significant to find out whether your partner sees the long-term for the two of you and whether they are ready to become mutually exclusive.
