Be honest and transparent about how you found out, what you know, and what you feel. It’s possible to move on as a couple, but you will need to stay assertive. [2] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MAMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 24 September 2021. Confront them by saying “I saw your text messages when you left your phone on the kitchen table. Is there something you want to tell me?” or “I know what you’ve been texting about with Lauren. Let’s hash it out, now. ”
Wait until you’re in a good headspace to have this talk. You’ll solve the problem more effectively when you’re feeling calm rather than angry or upset. Open with something like, “I feel very uncomfortable about your relationship with Robert. Let’s talk. ” or “I’m feeling incredibly upset and hurt. I want to understand why this happened. Can we talk?”
Set parameters for how you want your spouse to behave going forward. Tell them what you need to feel comfortable and heal as you work through this. If your boundaries were clear before, then this might be a major violation of trust. If they were unclear or nonexistent, know your feelings are still valid and treat this as an opportunity to create boundaries together.
If your partner can’t or won’t meet this expectation, it might be a sign of a deeper issue in the marriage. Consider their willingness to respect your boundaries when you’re deciding whether to stay together, forgive them, or move on. Try asking your partner to install a blocking or tracking app that will monitor their phone activity and contacts.
Seeking counseling or therapy to cope with the stress Spending time with family and friends without your spouse Sticking to a stress-relieving exercise routine like jogging or yoga
It’s ultimately up to you to decide how to feel and move forward. Stay open about your evolving feelings with your partner through the healing process. Forgiveness is hard to achieve in this context for most people. Know that your spouse is suffering as well and the best path forward is to work together.
Tell them something like “I’m uncomfortable with how far this has gone and want to respect my spouse. This needs to stop. ” or “I can’t do this to my spouse anymore. This is over. ” If you continue texting or sexting this person, your emotional and sexual detachment from your spouse will keep growing regardless of how you feel about your marriage. Delete or block their number if you don’t have a valid, non-sexual reason to speak with this person.
Your spouse probably feels betrayed by the sexting and will naturally have a negative reaction. Let them express their feelings openly. Validate their feelings with phrases like “I understand why you’re angry,” “I know that I’ve upset you,” or “You have a right to feel this way. ”
“I’m sorry I ever sent those messages, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I want to stay with you and fix our marriage. ” “I can’t apologize enough for what I did. I wish I had never texted them, and I’m sorry for the pain and anger I’ve caused you. I’m committed to working through this and staying with you. ” “I understand why you’re still upset. I just want to say again that I’m sorry and wish none of this had ever happened. I’m sorry that you feel so bad because of what I did. Please know that I’m dedicated to fixing this and getting your trust back. ”
Answer all these questions openly, even though it might make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed to fess up. Your spouse may want to see your phone and read the messages themselves. Let them do this, or offer to show them the messages yourself as a gesture of good faith.
Show your phone to your partner if they ask to check it. Stick to the boundaries your spouse sets for you until you mutually agree to return to your pre-sexting habits. These might be things like no texting past a certain time at night or deleting social media or messaging apps.
“Hey, you seem kind of upset. What’s bothering you?” “How are we doing today?” “What are you feeling today? Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Living in a constant state of shame, guilt, or punishment won’t restore the trust and happiness in your marriage. Self-forgiveness is just as much for your spouse’s wellbeing as it is for you.
Use “I” statements to share your feelings without accusing or projecting onto your spouse. For example, “I am still angry” or “I am not sure what you want. ” Try disconnecting digitally when you need to communicate. Turn off your phones, computers, and TVs so you’re present with each other. [16] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MAMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
It’s very difficult to have these issues on your own. A counselor will help you navigate your conversations so both partners feel heard and validated. If your partner won’t commit to marriage counseling, individual sessions can still be very beneficial to your own coping and healing.
A partner might have a texting affair for reasons like low self-esteem, body image issues, sexual dysfunction within the marriage, or acting out a fantasy relationship. Ask each other questions like, “How did this happen? What led to this sexting? What can we learn about our relationship? How did you feel when you sexted them?” Try labeling the sexting as “our” incident. This shifts the emphasis from blame to curiosity and insight. Focus on the emotional content of the sexting (“Did you think of me while you were sexting?”) rather than specific details of the affair (“How many times a day did you text them?”).
Try starting a new activity together like joint workouts or an art class. This will shift your focus from the sexting incident and you’ll get to experience something new with your partner. Set achievable goals for yourselves as a couple to help you stay connected. For example, you could make a goal to check in with each other every day before work for 2 months.
