This is more of an attitude than anything else; approach conflict with a “us vs. the problem” mindset, not “me vs. you. ” It can help to remind yourself of all of the good times you and your spouse have had together. It’s easy to let things continue to fall apart when you’re caught up in the momentum of a bad cycle, but try to shake yourself out of that by stepping back and remembering the love you have.

There may be practical issues driving a wedge between you, like financial problems or conflicting schedules that lead to a lack of quality time together. In these cases, making a gameplan together to alleviate the issue can help relieve a lot of the pressure. It could be that the two of you are overly defensive or critical of one another. In these cases, changing the way you communicate can make a big difference. If there are issues with trust, talking about what the underlying fear is can help set the stage for some healing to take place.

You might agree to sit down every day and communicate without any phones, TVs, or distractions if the two of you just aren’t sharing enough. You could set ground rules for future arguments, like no personal attacks, or set a safe word for when things get out of hand. You can agree to give one another at least one compliment every day to try and pump some kindness back into your relationship. Alternatively, you might just agree to keep the conversation going and make a pledge to continue discussing what you two need to work on. Sometimes, just knowing the problems are being worked on can make things easier.

How often you schedule these convos is up to you, but start off with one every week or two. If you do this every day, it might wear you down. If you space things out too far though, you might forget things from your previous conversation. This is especially important if your fights and disagreements tend to get out of hand. Giving yourself some time to emotionally prepare can really keep you from getting defensive or angry in the moment.

For example, something like, “You never pay attention to me,” presents the “you” as the key problem. Saying, “I feel like I don’t get a ton of attention,” frames the issue around your experience. This can go a long way towards defusing tough conversations.

For example, if your spouse asks you to help them clean up more often, you may assume they’re simply annoyed about how dirty your home has been. But maybe they want you to take more initiative around the house, or it’s important to them to feel like you participate in household chores.

Open yourself up to the way you feel. It’s easy to ignore certain emotions or pretend things are better than they are, but your emotions contain important information, and you shouldn’t pretend they don’t exist. Everybody can be better, and nobody should be ashamed if they’ve got something to work on. Even if it’s just trying to be the kindest version of yourself, there’s always room for improvement. The better you are, the better your marriage will be. [10] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MALicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.

Try to do something new every week. Try different restaurants, go dancing, or take a day trip somewhere you’ve never been. The more variety there is, the more exciting your date night will feel.

Putting your feelings on paper can also be therapeutic for you! Sometimes, putting messy or complicated emotions into words can really help you explore the way you feel.

Words of affirmation. People with this love language like being told how loved they are, and rely on verbal communication to experience love. Quality time. This language is all about shared experience. Your spouse may want to just sit on the couch together and chat over a cup of tea, or go for a walk and discuss their day. Physical touch. This includes sex, but hugs, backrubs, and playful head scratches all qualify. Acts of service. People with this love language express and receive love through charitable acts. You might clean the house for your spouse, cook them dinner, or go out of your way to make life easier for them. Gifts. This love language is pretty straightforward—people who love gift-giving feel cared for when they receive gifts from their loved ones. Even if it’s something tiny, it can really make their day!

This is especially important if the two of you have young children. You may be alternating the childrearing tasks so that each of you gets a breather every now and then. Try splitting the difference. Just spending more time as a family can really improve the quality of your marriage.

Plan the trip as a team. This way, the two of you can bond and connect over the activities you choose. Besides, planning the trip is the best way to build excitement about your vacation!

Try exploring something new together. Roleplaying, toys, sexting, and lingerie can all help you two reconnect intimately.