Dopamine is one of your brain’s “feel-good” chemicals (it’s where the term “dope” comes from). It’s also involved in your brain’s motivation and reward systems. When you meet someone you’re attracted to, dopamine starts sending feel-good chemical “rewards” to your system. [1] X Research source Norepinephrine, sometimes known as noradrenaline (but not the same thing as adrenaline), delivers messages to your central nervous system. [2] X Research source Norepinephrine is responsible for your ability to “block out” information that isn’t as interesting as the smart partner in front of you. Serotonin regulates a lot of functions in your body, including sexual behavior and body temperature. When you are very attracted to someone, serotonin decreases your body temperature, which makes your skin slightly more able to conduct electricity. This is the reason that love can literally make your skin tingle. [3] X Research source In fact, experts say that attraction stimulates the same chemicals in the brain that addiction does, such as dopamine and oxytocin. [4] X Research source If a girl isn’t attracted to you, it’s nothing to do with you: it’s all down to the chemicals in each person’s brain. A researcher at Rutgers University suggests that it takes less than one second for the brain to decide whether it considers someone to be attractive or not. [5] X Research source You may be able to overcome or cope with this split-second first impression, or you may not. If not, don’t take it personally: people are not able to manage spontaneous impulses and what is judged may not have anything to do negatively with you. For instance, some women are drawn to men which are high risk-takers, some are more attracted to those who seem more cautious. There is nothing wrong with being either. Understanding how attraction works may seem to take some of the mystery and magic from this human emotion. However, what it does make clear is that love and attraction is a fundamental part of how we are hard-wired. And it is on a level that is not heavily rational. And sometimes the chemistry literally is right or wrong.
Keeping yourself well-groomed and healthy suggests self-confidence and a healthy respect for yourself, which most people find attractive. This does not mean you have to go overboard and become a marathoner or a bodybuilder. You may, however, want to consider join a gym or an ultimate Frisbee team to feel healthy and more confident about yourself, and thus be more attractive. Be the best version of yourself and be true to yourself, and remember that you do not have to be the best looking to be good looking.
Control odors. Generally, women are put off by strong and unpleasant body odors. Someone who does not bathe regularly, does not use antiperspirant, or wears clothes that stink will be unsuccessful. Take care of your body. It is entirely possible to find love if one is imperfect: obese, have eczema, balding. . . whatever. However, doing your best to maximize your appearance will both directly look more attractive and make you feel more confident. Wear attractive clothing. Every society has a sense of what sort of clothing is attractive, and puts forth social signals of virility, confidence, and masculinity. If your clothing is unattractive, off-putting, or really odd, that sends a signal that there may be something wrong with the wearer.
I am available: Lack of a likely partner, and looks confident and emotionally balanced. I am interested: When a person says hi, a friendly and possibly flirty conversation strikes up. I am harmless: There is no aggressive or “strange” behavior. I am fertile: An overall healthy, youthful, energetic appearance. I am approachable: Body language appears to be open and relaxed.
Smiling Making eye contact with you Looking up (instead of staying absorbed with a phone, etc. ) Standing or sitting with the arms and legs relaxed and uncrossed Keeping her feet pointed toward you if you’re having a conversation Glancing at you from a distance, looking away for a time, then looking at you–not staring.
Flushed or reddened cheeks Reddened lips or lips that appear to get plumper Dilated pupils[12] X Research source The person moves a “block” from out of your way–such as shifting a bag that had been in between you. A suddenly racing heart or more rapid breathing Licking her lips[13] X Research source Subtly echoing your body language. For instance, if you shift your weight from one side to the other, she does something similar a few moments later. Momentary touches. For example, light, brief touch on your arm, wrist, or knee. Remember: none of these behaviors will definitively mean she is attracted to you. While they are good signs, do not jump to conclusions. The girl with rosy cheeks and dilated pupils who moves her purse for you on the bus may just be a courteous and easily flushed girl who just came back from the eye doctor! Never assume her sexuality. In other words, do not work on the assumption that she automatically sees you as a romantic partner. You may come off as rude, arrogant, swarmy, and pushy. Confidence is fine, and flirting is fine, but aggressive “come ons” will likely be met with turned off females.
Genuine smiles, also called duchenne smiles, use the muscles around the eyes as well as the mouth. Fake smiles usually only move the muscles around the mouth, and these smiles may look tight or empty. There’s a reason Tyra Banks is always telling models to “smile with your eyes. ”[15] X Research source
Make eye contact with her and smile. Get a little closer to her. Maybe move to a closer table in the coffee shop, or go grab a napkin while she is at the condiment station. This can help her pick up on your pheromones, which help signal attraction. [16] X Research source Tilt your head if you are talking to her or looking at her. Head-tilting is a sign of interest.
The direct opener. These are honest and get straight to the point, like “I think you’re really cute” or “I’m kind of shy, but I’d love to chat with you. ” In general, men tend to prefer to receive these openers when others initiate conversations with them. The innocuous opener. These get a conversation going but don’t go straight for a target, like “What do you think of this place?” or “Do you come here often?” In general, women tend to prefer these openers when others initiate conversations with them. The cute/flippant opener. These involve humor, but are often cheesy or even nasty, such as “Do you like your eggs scrambled or fertilized?” Sometimes these work to “break the ice” but you also risk coming off as sleazy, desperate, or weird. Both men and women in general rank these as the least attractive option. If you’re looking to strike up a conversation with a girl, your best bet is to use an innocuous opener. Studies have also shown that honest and supportive gambits more often result in long-term relationships, whereas strategies that use manipulation or dishonesty (like the cute/flippant gambit) result in short-term relationships. [18] X Research source
Do not touch a girl unless she is giving you strong signals that she is into you. Even then, proceed with caution. It is usually a good idea to wait until she has initiated some type of touch. If the girl responds negatively to your touch, apologize, and do not try again for a while. Showing her respect and giving her space may well gain her good graces. Being overly aggressive will not. Make sure your physical touches are culturally-appropriate. What is acceptable in Colorado may not be in Morocco. Also, what is considered fine at a public university in Toronto may not be for a very conservative Christian school in Oklahoma. If you’re unsure at all, ask for physical touching! For instance, holding out your hand to give it a friendly shake. Or asking, “May I give you a hug?” or, “Would you like some help putting sunscreen on your back?” This allows for physical touching in a way that respects her boundaries, and being straightforward about it. Do not get fixated on touching the girl. You do not have to physically touch a girl in the early stages of flirting. Trying too hard, or putting undue pressure to touch can backfire severely and make you come off as “creepy”. The moment for a touch will often “just happen”. If the connection and attraction is there, often a moment will simply organically happen. The two of you reach for the same tater tot at the cafeteria, or she puts her hand on yours at the movies, or something along those lines.
Have you always wanted to make your own video game? It is possible to do that! Write a book? Go get ’em, tiger! Become a master spelunker? You can do it! Follow your dreams and you’ll find that girls are attracted to your passion and determination. Maintaining your own interests after getting into a relationship will also help keep you from becoming “codependent. ” Codependent relationships happen when one or both partners feel like they can’t be complete or happy without the other person. They’re unhealthy, and you can avoid this model by staying true to yourself. This will attract people who are true to themselves, too.
Other qualities that can affect how people perceive your attractiveness include respectfulness, honesty, hard work, and intelligence. [23] X Research source Studies also suggest that women are more likely to value personality and social traits such as kindness and intelligence over physical traits. [24] X Research source
Remember: if you’re not good at jokes, you can still have a good sense of humor — you just have to love laughing and being around people who are funny. Being a good audience is as important as being funny yourself. Bitter or sarcastic humor isn’t a great idea. Try positive, even slightly self-deprecating humor. [26] X Research source Wilbur, C. J. , & Campbell, L. (2011). Humor in romantic contexts: Do men participate and women evaluate?Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37, 918-929. For example, if you’re at a coffee shop together, you might say something like “I hear there are two types of people: coffee people and sad people. What do you think?”
Being able to love fun, hang loose, and even poke fun at yourself suggests to girls that you aren’t uptight or aggressive. It also puts everyone around you at ease, making it more pleasant to hang out with you.
The difference between real confidence and cockiness is in how you think about yourself. True self-confidence means you know who you are, and you’re comfortable and happy with that. Cockiness often stems from a need to compete with or put down others to make yourself feel confident. Truly confident guys and girls don’t need to belittle anyone or be a jerk to show that they know they’re cool. [28] X Research source If you do feel the need to take a jab at yourself, make sure you present it as a joke. Laugh at the mistakes you make and the stupid things you do, as well as the things you don’t like about yourself. “Seriously, you DO NOT want me to ask you to dance. I’m a terrible dancer. Danger to myself and others. It’s best for everyone. "
One good way to start is by asking her an open-ended question. For example, social psychologist Arthur Aron has made headlines with his list of 36 questions to foster intimacy between people. They’re creative and open-ended, and they ask about more interesting things than her favorite movie. [30] X Research source For example, you could try asking “Would you like to be famous? In what way?” or “What would constitute a perfect day for you?” This will not only give you the chance to get to know her better, but it will also show her that you think she’s smart and her opinions are worthwhile.
Whether she likes surfing, horseback riding, shopping, or baking, it’s a good idea to try to involve her in what she likes doing best. Ask her friend what she enjoys doing in her free time, or ask her yourself if you’re feeling brave. (Fortune favors you. ) That way, she’ll know that you’ve taken the time to find out what makes her tick, and that you’re ready to go that extra mile to make sure she’s happy.
Be strategic about whether you call it a “date. " Generally, if you’ve already won the girl over, you want to make it clear that you’re going on a date to make sure you’re both on the same page. But if you haven’t won the girl over yet, it’s probably best to slow-play the courtship, and win her over as a friend before you move on to the romantic relationship. Sometimes, the girl will resist a romantic relationship if she’s not sure about whether you’re good friends.
You can also be clear when it comes to signalling your continuing interest. For example, if you had a great time, don’t end your conversation on a wishy-washy note. Say something like, “I had a wonderful time tonight. Would it be okay if I called you tomorrow?”
First, it means you’re talking a lot about yourself, which means you are spending less time listening to her. Second, it means you may be talking about things too soon. The first few dates aren’t the time to trash your boss or talk about how much your ex sucked. This type of self-revelation can actually make you look bitter, indiscreet, or like you don’t have a good sense of personal boundaries. You don’t have to remain a person of mystery, but start with your likes and dislikes and allow your conversations to grow organically. If she’s interested in you, she’ll ask you questions about yourself. Just be sure to keep a good balance between your sharing and hers.
When you give her space, avoid being too distant. Keep calling her regularly and showing her that you’re interested. If you’re shy, don’t give her too much space or she’ll think you’re not interested. You’re going to have to come out of your shell a little bit if you want to get her attention. If you’ve just gone on a date with her, and everything has gone really well, tell her you’ll call her before the weekend is up if it’s Friday. Let her do her own thing on Saturday, and then give her a call on Sunday and tell her you had a really good time and you’d like to do something soon, perhaps next weekend. This would be a great time to ask her out to any parties or dances that are happening. Giving her space is all about showing her how confident you are. What you’re basically saying is “I had a great time with you, and I like you, but I’m not going to come on super strong because I’m not desperate. " Girls and guys are both attracted to people who are cool and calm, who don’t jump the gun, and who aren’t desperate.
If you decide you can live with whatever quirks she has, stick to that decision. Don’t try to change her. Don’t criticize or nitpick her for her quirks. Accept her as she is. Her personality doesn’t make her a bad person. Even if you decide that something is a deal-breaker, there’s no need to be mean to her about it.
Now, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have certain expectations or that you let yourself be mistreated. It’s perfectly okay to expect a person to show up when s/he says s/he will (unless something unavoidable happens), to treat you with kindness and respect, and to show compassion and kindness to others. However, if you expect your girl to read your mind about your needs, you will probably be disappointed because no one is a mind-reader. Furthermore, people’s personalities tend to be pretty set. If your girl always seems to be running late and you’ve talked to her about it bothering you but nothing’s changed, chances are this problem may not go away. You can decide that it’s too big for you to deal with, or you can decide to let her be her (late and all), but you can’t expect her to change.
Get to know more girls and give love more opportunities to blossom. Go to school socials and functions. Don’t be afraid to go to a different school’s social if a friend invites you. You never know when you might meet that special someone who’ll knock the wind out of your lungs. Sometimes, when you stop looking for love, it hits you right in the face. The universe works in weird ways. Especially if you’ve tried really hard recently, or you think you’ve just run out of energy, don’t be afraid to pull back from the fray. It sounds counter-intuitive, and it’s frustrating to do, but it works: when you stop trying, girls tend to find you. Be adventurous for her. Maybe the girls you know all have boyfriends, or maybe you aren’t interested in your friends. Plenty of people these days are finding love outside of their immediate circles. If you’re old enough, try Internet dating. If you’re interested in extracurriculars, get involved on a wider basis so that you could potentially travel. When looking for that girl of your dreams, it helps to keep an open mind and try as many different adventures as life throws at you.
It helps to ask her about these things, rather than making assumptions. When she talks to you about her thoughts or feelings, listen. If you’re having trouble seeing things from her point of view, use “I”-statements to ask her to explain: “I really want to understand where you’re coming from, but I’m just not getting it. Could you explain what you’re feeling right now?”
Show genuine intentions. Be honest and open about your plans, wants and desires. If she is not OK with these, you have, at least, established a starting point which can then be adjusted in order that you come to know each other more closely. There’s a difference between being open and honest and being manipulated. For example, you don’t have to show someone your texts or emails to “prove” that you’re trustworthy. You don’t have to report on where you are at every minute of every day. This is intrusive behavior that doesn’t belong in healthy relationships. [38] X Research source
Listen to what she says. Don’t work out what you’re going to say in response while she’s still talking. Ask her to clarify anything you don’t understand by saying something like, “I’m not sure I understood you correctly. I heard _____. Is that what you meant?” These kinds of clarifications will also help prevent misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Avoid passive aggression. Passive aggression happens when your girlfriend asks you if something’s wrong and you say, “No, why would anything be wrong?” when you’re actually really upset. It’s a way to express anger or hurt without confronting it directly, and it can destroy relationship communication. [41] X Research source Talk about your feelings openly and honestly, but stay respectful. Use “I”-statements, such as “I feel hurt that you didn’t call me on Tuesday when you said you would,” rather than “You forgot to call me and you hurt my feelings. ” “You”-statements can make people feel defensive and shut down. Communication isn’t a one-way street. You should also feel like she listens to you and acknowledges your needs, too.
It’s great if you can find something you both love doing to pursue together. Occasionally, one or the other of you will have to compromise. For example, you may want to see an action movie while she wants to see the latest Pixar (or vice versa). Take turns giving the other person space to pursue what makes them happy.
