A partner with an avoidant attachment style also: • Rejects people when they get too close. • Finds it difficult to trust others. • Fears anyone getting too close. • Wants a lot of alone time. • Believes that they don’t need anyone. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may: • Want to hold onto others so they don’t leave. • Feel sensitive about criticism. • Think you need approval from other people. • Struggle with feelings of jealousy. • Have difficulty being alone. • Fear rejection and abandonment.
“I feel a pain in my chest and shortness of breath right now. ” “This happens every time I look down at the ‘read’ receipt. I feel sad he hasn’t replied. ” “I need to spend time with my friends so I can feel wanted and valued. ”
When an avoidant partner criticizes you, they’re impulsively lashing out. Their abusive behavior and tendency to minimize you still isn’t okay. If they talk about what’s “wrong” with you, they’re actually feeling insecure about themselves. Unless they cope with their fears, they’ll run away from anyone they’re with. You aren’t at fault for their desire for distance or their resistance to communication.
“I thought they’d be caring one day, but the fact is, they’re really cold and callous. ” “They’re never available. When I ask to talk, they tell me to handle everything on my own. ” “Right now, they’re not showing me the love I need. They drift away from me almost every week. ”
If you’ve broken up, resist reaching out to an avoidant person—that way, you won’t continue a cycle of emotional dependency. Practicing mindfulness meditation every day for 15-20 minutes can help you get over emotional dependency or obsessive thinking. Mourning a relationship is uncomfortable, but you’ll heal and feel lighter once you go through your full process of grief. You’ll be wiser and stronger after you go through all the stages of grief.
“If this relationship didn’t end, I wouldn’t have a chance to reflect on my own needs. ” “Now that we’re not in touch, I can focus on my art and my social life. ” “We both just made a choice to part ways. There’s a better future in store for me. ”
The “anxious avoidant” dance is also known as the “anxious-avoidant trap. ” The term describes a toxic relationship where an anxious partner and an avoidant partner fight because they have different needs. As an anxious partner, you feel drained because you want more validation. You’re more likely to fight for your avoidant partner’s attention. Your avoidant partner may be concerned that you’re trying to control them. They might withdraw and ignore you so they’ll feel a sense of power again.
“I need my future partner to trust me and accept my love. ” “We both will need to focus on our own identities and passions. ” “We’ll need to listen to one another and try our best to understand each other. ”
Try out affirmations, or positive self-talk like: “I am extremely empathetic and compassionate. ” Set boundaries to honor yourself like: “I won’t allow myself to be devalued or disrespected. ” Talk about your principles with words like: “I believe in kindness and patience. ” Be clear about your priorities with a comment like: “My time is precious. Right now, I’m focused on my own growth. ”
Replace activities you picked up to bond with your partner. For example, if you don’t like tennis but salsa interests you, sign up for dance classes. List out goals that only have to do with your own aspirations and future success. For instance, you might want to become the best salesperson in your region. Hang out with people who aren’t mutual friends with your avoidant partner. When you’re with your support group, talk about topics other than your love life.
Consider speaking to a counselor so you can talk about an anxious attachment style. As you gain more confidence in yourself, you’ll develop a “secure” attachment style. You’ll recognize that you’re an amazing partner. You’ll also build connections with people who truly appreciate you. Remember that when you’re happy and healthy, you’ll seek out partners who honor and respect you.
