You can stop sharing as much privileged information with someone. Do not talk about details of your personal life or share deep feelings with this person. Return texts and phone calls sparingly. Stop inviting this person to every social event you attend. With luck, this person will eventually take the hint that you are not interested in maintaining the relationship. [1] X Research source If this person asks you where you’ve been, be vague. Say something like, “I’ve just been busy” or “Work’s been really stressful. " While you may dislike the idea of being dishonest, not everyone deserves an official confrontation. It you truly feel this person is a loser, and is draining your time and energy, you do not owe this person anything. [2] X Research source In most cases, the person in question will eventually take the hint. However, sometimes people catch on to the fact they’re being cold-shouldered. The person may demand to know why you are ignoring him or her. In this case, consider being honest about why you are ending this particular relationship.
Think about why, specifically, you’re ending this relationship. In anger, you may be inclined to say hurtful things, like, “I don’t want to be your friend because you’re a loser/a drain/a narcissist. " However, this is probably not productive. You want to make a clean and quick break from this relationship and saying things that will result in an angry response from the other person will only serve to escalate the situation. [3] X Research source Try to outline, specifically, why this relationship is not working for you. Does it seem too one-sided? Do you feel like you’re constantly being put down or taken advantage of? You don’t have to outline every single grievance to the person in question. In fact, someone who you consider “a loser” will probably not take criticism well. After writing out your issues, try to condense what you’re saying into a short, somewhat vague sentiment. Try something like, “I just don’t feel like I’m benefiting from this friendship anymore and I think it’s better if we both move on. “[4] X Research source You may also want to consider what you want going forward. You may want this person out of your life completely and, if that’s plausible, be upfront about that. However, if shutting a person out completely would make things difficult in family or social situations, see if there are other solutions. For example, you could maybe not hang out with this person one-on-one anymore, but still remain friendly at larger get-togethers. You could say something like, “I feel like we don’t always click when it’s just us hanging out together. I think we’d work better as more casual acquaintances. “[5] X Research source
Send a text or e-mail asking to meet up. Make it clear there’s something you want to discuss. Send a text saying, “Can we talk sometime this week? When are you free?"[7] X Research source Choose a time and place that works well for both of you. In case the conversation runs long, you want to avoid external time constraints. Pick a night when you’re both free and choose a location where you can really talk. A crowded, loud bar does not help you have a conversation. A quiet coffee shop, big enough that the two of you can find some privacy, would be better.
Take some time to compose your thoughts in writing. If necessary, write out a few drafts of a letter or e-mail before sending it. You want to make sure you make things as clear as possible. Try to avoid the temptation to write a hateful or spiteful send-off. Remember, you’re trying to free yourself from losers in your life so you can move towards a brighter future. You do not want to end a relationship with unnecessary drama. As respectfully as you can, explain why your relationship needs to end.
Explain why you’re ending the relationship. If the person has hurt you in some way, tell them specifically how. You do not have to have a laundry list of every grievance, but you should provide some general reasons. For example, say something like, “I feel like you don’t respect my needs. I feel like you’re always talking about yourself and you never ask about me. " Set very clear boundaries. You do not want to continue to allow someone to hurt you. Make it clear what you expect going forward. You can say something like, “I want us to be civil when we’re around mutual friends, but our one-on-one relationship is over. “[9] X Research source Try to be civil yourself. Just because you’re eliminating someone’s presence in your own life does not mean you have to harbor resentment. In fact, resenting someone or wishing ill against them can cause you unnecessary stress. Say something like, “I hope that you’re happy with your life, and I only wish you well. I just feel like, personally, I can’t maintain this friendship. “[10] X Research source
An “I”-statement has three parts. You begin with “I feel. . . " after which you immediately state your emotion. Then, you explain the actions that led to that emotion. Lastly, you explain why you feel the way you do. Confronting someone without an “I”-statement can cause unnecessary hostility. For example, you may say something like, “We can’t be friends anymore because you’re a drain on me. You complain about your own problems, but you never ask me how I’m doing, even though you know I’ve been through a lot lately. " Rephrasing the above sentiment using an “I”-statement can help emphasize your own feelings. This can make it feel less of an objective judgment and more of a personal declaration. For example, say something like, “I feel drained when you complain about your own problems without asking how I’m doing because it makes me feel like our relationship is one-sided. "
If a person is unrelenting in their attempt to contact you, consider blocking their number. You may also want to block them on social media.
Do you feel drained when you’re around a person? Do you honestly want to spend time with certain people, or do you feel obligated? Do you expect an amount of respect that you never received? Are you consistently disappointed by someone’s attitude, behavior, or treatment of you?[11] X Expert Source Wes PinkstonCertified Holistic Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 January 2022. Answer these questions honestly. Avoid the temptation to make excuses, like, “Well, I do feel tired when I’m around Marguerite, but she’s been going through a lot lately. " If you’re feeling negative about someone overall, this is a sign this is not a healthy relationship. Everyone goes through bad times. However, even at their worst, most people will have some ability to care for another person’s needs. If someone is consistently draining to be around, and this has been going on for quite some time, you may be better off ending the relationship. [12] X Expert Source Wes PinkstonCertified Holistic Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 January 2022. A toxic relationship stems from the personality of a toxic individual. You need to make changes and get out of the relationship, because their personality is unlikely to change.
Try logging your feelings after spending time with someone. Returning to the above example, jot down how you feel after, say, having coffee with Marguerite. Do you feel drained, tired, frustrated? Are you going over things she said that upset you? If this happens consistently, this is probably not a good relationship. This is likely someone you should get rid of in your life. You may find you’re significantly affected by another person’s drama. If your friend Marguerite is upset about her boyfriend, for example, she may be unwilling to talk about anything else when you two are together. It may get to the point where you dread being around her when she’s upset, because you know it’ll result in endless and unproductive complaining. [15] X Research source
Once again, try to be honest with yourself and avoid making excuses for the other person. Try to remember the last time you were in need. Did this person reach out to you? Did he or she ask how you were doing? Or did this person simply avoid you until your neediness passed over? In a toxic relationship, one person may be competitive about his or her needs. Returning to the Marguerite example, you may bring up a stressful issue with your significant other. Marguerite may respond by saying something like, “At least you have someone. I’ve been single for almost a year. " She may then launch into a tirade about her own issues, leading you to comfort her. This is an uneven balance. This person is placing her own emotional needs on a higher level than yours, and using your problems as a way to shoehorn in her own.
If you’re being emotionally manipulated, you may be afraid to assert your feelings to a friend, romantic partner, or family member. This person may find a way to dismiss your feelings, accusing you of hypersensitivity. You may also find an emotionally manipulative person does not take “No” for an answer. If you say you cannot attend an event due to work, for example, a manipulative person may ask several follow up questions, pushing you to blow off work unnecessarily. You may also feel controlled by this person. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around this person to avoid an outburst, to the point you’re emotionally checked out. You may simply go along with situations to avoid the fallout, ignoring your own needs to cater to the other person.
You may be drawn to a type of personality due to previously poor relationships. For example, say your mother was cold and emotionally distant. You may unconsciously seek out people similar to your mother as you’re hunting for an approval you never received. You may also have issues with self-esteem that draw you to toxic relationships. For example, if you worry your own life is a mess, you may unconsciously be drawn to people with problems you perceive as worse than yours. Emotionally unhealthy people may allow you to feel like you’re caring for someone else, making you feel needed even when you have doubts about your own capabilities.
It can be helpful to write a goodbye letter. This letter will not be read or sent, but writing it can be cathartic. Pretend you’re writing to the person in question and state exactly how you feel. This is a great way to get out all the things you felt you couldn’t say when ending the relationship.
