Don’t overreact to his request to borrow (again). Take a moment, and be patient with your friend. Be calm and respectful. Consider setting up the conversation by saying, “I don’t want any tension between us, but I’m hoping we could talk about you borrowing my shirts. "
Make sure you, or your friend, aren’t in a rush. If you or your friend are stressed or in a big hurry, you may not be able to talk in way that you both are engaged in the conversation. Pick a moment when you can have privacy, and have your friend’s attention.
Your friend may act defensive and try to talk about other issues. Be clear that you are willing to talk about her concerns too, but first you and your friend need to address this specific issue. Consider saying, for example, “I want to focus on talking about the way you’ve been borrowing my phone. " If the conversation is getting derailed, you can redirect it back by saying, “I see you’re concerned about the work you’ve got to do. I’m open to hearing about that, but before we talk about it, I wanted to make sure we’re clear about when it’s okay to use my computer. "
“It makes me upset when you take my phone without asking. " “It made me anxious and uneasy when you borrowed my favorite shirt. "
Use active listening skills to show that you’re really paying attention. Make eye contact. Paraphrase what you heard your friend say. Be present in the moment. Avoid things that distract you. Your friend may be going through a difficult time. Be willing to set your time aside to listen about what’s happening, or why she is borrowing more. Allow her to give an explanation.
If your friend is always taking without asking, your friend may not understand how to respect your stuff, or personal boundaries. See if your friend is willing to change his ways. Think about whether spending time with a friend that takes your things without asking is a healthy friendship for you.
Watch out for when friends continue to overstep, and take things on a regular basis without giving back in return.
It’s up to you to set the limits that you’re comfortable with. If she is borrowing something that you think she will be careless with, you can also tell her, “Sorry, I can’t help with that right now. " Consider offering her solutions in addition to saying no so that she doesn’t feel left with nothing. [5] X Research source Ensure that your friend understands the value and importance of the item she is borrowing.
Offer to share something else if you feel that would work. Or, be very honest with him why this cannot be borrowed. You can say, “No, I can’t let you borrow that. It’s special to me, and I don’t want it leaving this room,” or, “That’s my favorite shirt, and I know you’ll be careful when you wear it, but I would be really upset if something happened to it or it got ruined. You can borrow another one, though!” If it’s a family heirloom or special thing from when you were a little kid, as your friend, the person will very likely understand its significance. [6] X Research source Say something like, “That watch was a gift from my grandfather who passed away, and I’m just not comfortable letting someone else wear it. "
Depending on what your friend is borrowing, be creative in helping to identify solutions and problem-solve with your friend. It could help your friend to think of other ways to handle her needs.
Consider saying something like, “Just so you know, I’m always here if you want to talk about anything. "
You may be shy, or wish to avoid conflict, but oftentimes this leads to passive-aggressive behavior. You let your friend borrow something, even though you’re annoyed, so instead you act out against your friend at a later point or hold a grudge. A healthy friendship is more honest up front, rather than letting things sit and then get out of control. [7] X Research source
