Figure out how you feel. You may feel nervous about talking to your parents about spanking. You may worry they’ll feel they’re being insulted or otherwise disrespected. It’s okay to acknowledge you’re nervous, but try not to let feelings of apprehension inhibit your ability to have the conversation. Think about what you want from the conversation. You obviously want your parents to understand why you feel the way you do, so it can help to write out your thoughts ahead of time. It may also help to address some possible solutions to the problem at hand. For example, maybe your parents could agree to cut back on spanking or try alternative types of punishment.
Choose a time when your parent(s) aren’t busy. You want to pick a time to talk when everyone is free of outside obligations. If both your parents are typically home on Tuesday evenings, this may be a great time to talk. Eliminate distractions. Do not talk with the television on or with your smartphones out. Let your parents know you would like to have a somewhat serious discussion and ask that they leave outside distractions behind.
“When you spank me, I feel humiliated and unloved. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and never come out, and it feels like you don’t love me. Can we talk about figuring out a different type of fair discipline?” “Getting hit is terrifying to me. It makes me scared of you and makes me not want to tell you anything about my life because I’m scared you’ll hit me again. This is harming our relationship. " “You may have noticed that I’m having anxiety problems. Sometimes, I get so scared of being hit that I can’t breathe or focus on doing my homework. Can we please talk about a different type of discipline that you could use for me?”
Your parents may have reasons for disciplining you the way they do. They may have been spanked as children, and may feel the punishment was effective for them. This may be why your parents have adopted a pro-spanking stance in the present. They also may feel spanking has been effective throughout your childhood to improve your behavior and make you understand the consequences of your actions. Try to be as mature as possible. Your parents are much more likely to be impressed and receptive if they feel like you’re making the effort to hear their side. For example, say something like, “I appreciate you guys wanting to make sure I grow up with good values. I understand you feel spanking helps me develop as an adult. " Allowing your parents to feel heard during a discussion can help both of you move forward to find an alternative solution.
Verbal warnings give you a chance to stop and re-assess. Try asking your parent if they’d be willing to give you a warning first, so you can adjust your behavior. Natural consequences are consequences related to the mistake you made. For example, if you make a mess, you clean it up. If you hurt someone’s feelings, you apologize and make amends. If you break something, you pay to replace it. Grounding for a weekend, a week, or more than a week can be appropriate. Loss of technology (smartphones, tablets, laptop for non-school activities) for a day, a weekend, or even a week is an appropriate punishment.
Your parents may not agree to stop spanking completely. However, if you’re mature throughout the conversation, and respectfully express your point of view, they may agree to not use spanking as a primary form of punishment. If your parents are strict, however, there’s a chance they will not want to change their behavior. Try to accept this. In a few months, you can bring up the issue again and see if your parents have changed their minds with time. If your parents scream at you or like to hit you hard, or otherwise treat you really badly, then you may have to quietly end the conversation, and then find a trusted adult to talk to about how you are being treated.
If your parents aren’t willing to listen to reason, don’t fight them. It won’t change anything. Instead, end the conversation and go somewhere alone so you can handle your feelings. Your parents are more likely to listen if you remain calm. If you feel frustrated by something that’s being said, hold in your emotions for now. Later on, you can punch your pillow or go for a long walk to get out your frustrations.
Make a list of things you’ll need for school and for the coming week. You can do this on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. For example, say you have a book report coming up. You’ll need the book your reading, a notebook to take notes on, and pens and pencils. You will also need supplies for the final copy, like a cover for your report. Do a little organizing of your room. Have a separate space for toys, DVDs, computer supplies, and so on. You can use old boxes to help you organize the important items in your home. You can ask your parents for a calendar in your room. You can use the calendar to mark important dates for school. Mark when tests are coming up and when assignments are due.
Try making a list of the chores you have to do each day. You may be expected to clean your room on Saturday, or to do the dishes after dinner on Friday. Meet your parent’s expectations for your behavior on any given day of the week. Prioritize how you’ll get things done. For example, plan on always doing your homework after school so you know you won’t be up late working. You can also incorporate time for small breaks throughout the day to keep you from becoming fatigued. For example, after an hour of math homework, agree to give yourself 15 minutes to listen to music.
Break big tasks into small chunks. For example, say you have to organize your room. You could break your room down into four sections and plan to tackle one section at a time, taking breaks in between. Making plans in regards to staying up to date on chores and other obligations can prevent disagreements between you and your parents. This can greatly cut down on the incidents of spanking.
Getting more physical exercise. When you’re feeling angry or stressed, try going for a walk or a run instead of lashing out. Writing down your feelings. When you’re feeling angry, get a pen and paper and vent in your diary rather than yelling at a family member. Taking a break. If you’re arguing with a parent or sibling, and you begin to get hostile, take a break. Walk away from the situation and take some time to calm down. Go to your room to be alone and read a book. You can better address the issue when you are calm.
Physical abuse is any type of violence, such as hitting, kicking, pushing, or choking. These actions may or may not leave marks. (Spanking is considered a gray area, but it’s considered abusive if your parents are leaving marks or causing injury in the process. ) Verbal abuse includes name-calling, put-downs, threats, screaming, and other behaviors that scare you or make you feel awful about yourself. Neglect involves failing to take care of your basic needs. A parent should feed, clothe, and protect you. You should have a roof over your head, access to necessary medical care, adequate tools to stay clean, and everything that meets your basic needs. Sexual abuse can involve touching the genitals inappropriately (i. e. , for reasons not related to medical care). It can also involve showing you pornographic imagery, taking uncensored photos or videos of you naked, or making inappropriate sexual comments about you. Isolation involves tactics meant to cut you off from the rest of the world. Prohibiting you from spending time with friends, taking away all internet access, grounding you for excessive periods of time, or even pulling you out of school altogether can be isolation tactics. Abusive parents may also corrupt, exploit, gaslight, blackmail, or humiliate you. They may deprive you of all privacy.
Who you feel comfortable telling will depend on the situation. You may have another adult relative, like an aunt or uncle, you feel close to. You may also be able to talk to a teacher, guidance counselor, parent of a friend, or clergy member. Let the person you choose know you need to talk about something in private. Explain what has happened, and how it’s making you feel. The adult should be able to assess the situation and offer you the necessary help. Some adults are bad listeners. If an adult is dismissive, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your problem isn’t real. It just may mean that they are a bad listener and that you need to find someone else.
If you don’t have a cell phone, you may have to wait until your parents are out of the house to use the phone. Make sure you choose a time when your parents will be gone for a while, as the conversation could be lengthy.
