If you’re trying to prove a point to an authority figure, like a parent, your boss, or some other figure who has power over you, you’ll want to be sure to highlight how your point will make the situation better for everyone. How will the family, company, or group benefit from your proposed point? If you’re trying to prove a point to a child or a subordinate employee, it’s important to explain the details and reasoning of your point without being condescending. Even if you’re “teaching a lesson,” don’t talk down to the other person and your point will get across much better. No “because I said so” reasons. If you’re trying to prove a point to a partner, spouse, or even a very close friend, someone on equal footing, it’s important to maintain an even keel and speak clearly. Don’t mince words. If you’re talking to someone who knows you intimately, avoid the more public rhetoric you might use to talk to your boss.
To figure out whether or not your points are productive points, imagine that someone else were going to give you the same piece of feedback or advice, or bring up the same idea. How would it feel? Would it give you something concrete to do or change? It would be one thing for a boss to say, “Our overhead’s too high, so you’re all going to have your hours cut. Sorry. " Point made, but unproductive. Instead, try out something like this: “We’re really struggling with overhead costs. To be able to keep you all on board and working as a team doing the great work you do, we’re going to need to cut some of your hours slightly. "
Obviously it’s important for your child to work hard in school. But why? It’s easier to get your child to study harder if it’s focused on how your child will be happier with better grades and enjoy school better, as opposed to “because I say so” or “because your friend Jimmy studies hard. " Tell the truth, as straight and as simple as possible. Tell your child that studying is an important part of growing up and learning to take care of yourself. You won’t always be there to help them, and it’s important for kids to learn as much as they can to grow up right.
If you tell your child to study harder to grow up into a well-rounded adult, you might be likely to hear, “But I don’t want to be a well-rounded adult, I want to play video games. " It’s understandable that lots of parents resort to the “because I said so” at this point, but use it as a teaching opportunity. State the anticipated argument out loud: “I know right now you just want to play video games all day. I did too when I was 7. But that’ll change as you get older, and you’ll need more skills. "
If you’re in a big group discussion and are struggling to be heard, cut yourself a chunk of air-time by grabbing the floor and then slowing down the back-and-forth. Say, “I’d like to say something” and then pause for a beat. Take a breath before continuing. Once you’ve got the floor, you’ve got the floor for however long it takes you to make your point. Make everyone hear you.
Give other people the benefit of hearing your true thoughts and feelings. Trying to be “friendly” by hedging your points, or hemming and hawing, will undercut the good points you’re trying to make and only give people reasons to doubt them. Let a clear head prevail and take a deep breath before you need to make a contentious point. Introduce your point by saying, “This may not be popular, but here’s what I’m thinking. " This suggests that you’ve got the good of everyone at heart, rather than trying to be provocative or dissent for the fun of it. [3] X Research source
For example, you shouldn’t say “Your music is too loud,” which is confrontational and unproductive. Instead, say something like, “It’d be helpful for it to be a little quieter in here so I can finish this project. Would it be ok to turn it down for a bit?” Big difference.
For example, it may be a valid point that the music your office mate is playing is “too loud,” by quoting decibel statistics, talking about hearing loss as a result of listening to loud rock music. However valid, these may not be the best way of getting your point across. Stay focused on how the music is distracting you from doing your job, the goal of the work day, not on your office mate’s hearing.
If you tend toward making points that sound like this: “So, it might just be my own personal opinion, because I’m pretty new here and less experience than everybody else, so feel totally free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I was just noticing that it seems like maybe we could possibly use less paper in the office?” try cutting straight to the point and speaking more authoritatively. “I noticed we use a lot of paper in the office, five reams a day. Have we talked about cutting back before?” Lots of people talk too long, repeating the point that’s already been made. If you tend toward this, just stop talking. Embrace the silence. Pausing after you’ve delivered your message gives your idea a chance to sink in, and also gives you time to regroup and organize your thoughts. Practice hitting pause, then putting on a calm face. [4] X Research source
It’s very important to listen actively in a discussion. A good way for a chat to turn into an argument is to stay focused on what you’re going to say next, rather than actually hearing the other person out. Don’t worry about forming a response until you’ve really listened to and processed the other person’s thoughts. Respond calmly to their points if you need to. Allow yourself to be swayed as well, and use the conversation as an opportunity to deepen your collective ideas and form a new plan or a new point together. Collaborate.
Write a memo for a business idea, or a new concept about how to do business. Whether you’re proposing to your boss or to subordinates, writing it out will give your point more credence, and allow the other people to think through it on their own time. Write an outline for a complicated concept or point, to break it down and make it easier to understand. If you think you’ve just uncovered the philosophical thesis for your new black metal collective’s aesthetic manifesto, you should probably write it out instead of trying to explain it. If you’re struggling in a relationship, consider writing out your complicated feelings in a letter. This will help you gather your own thoughts, and could provide a more smooth transition into a hard discussion.
One common way of proving to alcoholics that they need to sober up is to record a particularly ugly example of their drunkenness, then play it back later. You shouldn’t have to say anything.
If you’ve noticed the absurd amount of paper used in your office, ask your boss how much paper the office goes through in a week, and have the specific answer prepared yourself. Follow up with, “Does that seem like a lot?” (Have statistics about the average paper consumption at similar offices handy). Think of it as showing the horse to water.
If you’ve got a point to make about something that you’ve personally experienced, say so: “As someone who watched a grandparent suffer through prolonged dementia, I know that palliative care is more complicated than picking between various medications. "
