Reduce distractions as much as possible. Try to select an area that is quiet where you won’t be distracted by the television, radio or other electronic devices. Also, be sure to avoid doing other things like texting or looking through your wallet while the person is talking. An alternative to sitting in a private area would be a “walk and talk. ”[1] X Research source Instead of sitting in one place, you and the other person could go for a leisurely stroll as you talk. This often allows the person to feel more comfortable discussing their problems. Active listening can also be accomplished over the telephone. However, it is important that you have the conversation when there aren’t a lot of distractions.
Use open-ended questions to help guide the conversation and stir discussion. Good open ended questions will give you a glimpse into what the person is thinking Your questions should start with words like “How” and “Why” and should evoke discussion rather than one word responses. Some examples of open-ended questions are: “What happened?” “What will you do next?” “How did that make you feel?”
Making eye contact is important so that the person knows that you are listening to them. However, make sure the eye contact isn’t excessive. Be careful that you don’t end up staring. Use open body language and other nonverbal cues to show them that you’re listening. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Try nodding occasionally and smiling when appropriate. Also, be sure that you do not cross your arms because this reflects defensiveness and the person may not respond well to that posture.
Don’t just repeat back to them the exact same sentence that they state in a robotic fashion. Use paraphrasing to be more conversational in your approach. Just be sure that as you restate what the person is saying, you are using their words. You could say things like “It sounds like you are saying…” or “What I’m hearing is…” or other similar statements. This helps the person to know that you really are listening. Don’t interrupt the person when they are talking. Instead, show support by allowing them the opportunity to express what they are thinking and feeling without interruption. Only reflect back what they are saying when there is a natural silence in the conversation or when it’s clear that they are waiting for feedback. This is not the time to pass judgment or be critical. [4] X Research source Listening and showing empathy does not mean that you necessarily agree with what the person is saying; rather it is reflecting that you care about them and what they are experiencing. Avoid saying “I told you so,” “It’s really not that big of a deal,” “It can’t be that bad,” “You’re blowing it out of proportion” or other critical or minimizing comments. Your job during this time is simply to show support and empathy. [5] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
Don’t tell the person how they are feeling. Instead, provide suggestions. You could say “It sounds like you’re feeling pretty disappointed” or “You seem pretty upset” Observe the person’s body language and facial expressions as they speak. Also, their tone may give you an idea of how they are feeling. Remember, if you guess wrong, they will correct you. Do not dismiss their correction. Accept that they are the only person who truly knows how they are feeling. Accepting their correction is also validation of their emotions.
Avoid trying to offer advice unless you are asked. Trying to give advice may make the person feel like you’re being critical and invalidating. Do not try to talk the person out of feeling a certain way. Remember, they have a right to feel how they are feeling. Demonstrating emotional support means acceptance of their right to experience her emotions, whatever they are.
“That’s a lot to deal with. ” “I’m sorry that this is happening. ” “It sounds like that really hurt you. ” “I understand. ” “That would make me angry too. ”
Try to nod, smile, and make eye contact as you’re listening. Research has shown that people who demonstrate these nonverbal behaviors are often rated as more empathetic by observers. [7] X Research source Smiling is especially helpful because the human brain is prewired to recognize smiles. This means that not only will she feel more supported but both the giver and receiver of a smile often feel better quicker. [8] X Research source
The person may not have the answer immediately and that’s okay. Don’t push for a decision right away. They may just need to be heard and feel validated first. Ask “what-if” questions. “What-if” questions will help the person brainstorm possible action steps that they may not have considered before. [9] X Research source Presenting options in a question format is less threatening and the person probably won’t feel like they are being told what to do. This approach allows you to give suggestions in a supportive manner without stripping away their power. Remember, you are not fixing the problem for the person. You are simply providing them support in finding the solution to the problem herself. For example, if your friend is struggling financially, you could ask, “What if you and your supervisor had a discussion about a pay raise?” Maybe your niece is feeling overwhelmed with work and home responsibilities. You could ask, “What if you planned a stress-free vacation for your family?” Any appropriate “what-if” question could be helpful.
Continue to support the person in taking action steps until the problem is resolved. It may be a slow process but they’ll appreciate your support. When a person is grieving, there may not be any specific action steps. People grieve differently and grief can last up to a year or longer. When you are supporting someone through grief, listening to the stories they wants to share and accepting their feelings without minimizing her loss is very important. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Sometimes an action step may mean getting help from a mental health professional.
Rather than saying “Everything will be fine” you could do everything in your power to help make things better for the person. For example, you could help a sick friend find a good medical specialist or help them research treatment options. In addition to saying “I love you” you could do something for the person that you know they’ll appreciate. This could include buying them a gift, spending more time with them, or taking them somewhere special to help them de-stress. Instead of just saying “I’m here for you” you could bring the person dinner or help with tasks that they need to do in order to accomplish the action steps.
