Is your partner truly sorry? Did they voluntarily tell you, or did you find out from someone else? Has this sort of behavior happened before, or have they promised to not do it, and it has continued or gotten worse? Is this part of a larger picture of poor behavior towards you? Is your partner willing to take steps to mend the relationship (if you decide you want to go that route) such as marital counseling, quitting a job, moving, etc. ? Do you feel you want to trust this person again? There is no right or wrong answer for this. This is entirely up to the person who has been cheated on. It does not matter if the person who has cheated is sorry, made amends, and so on — this can be a deal breaker plain and simple. Feelings may change with time and further experience with the cheating partner. It can go one way or the other. This is natural. Well-meaning friends and relatives may want to give simple advice to make a quick, definitive decision. Be aware that you do not have to make a decision right away in most cases. It is your life.
Do not assume that your partner’s cheating was all about sex. Find out why they cheated before you move forward. Try telling your partner, “I need to know why you cheated and who it was. Please be honest with me and tell me what happened. " Be aware that they may not really know why the infidelity happened. They may not really have deeply thought about it, or even if they did, they still may not really know why. And there may be reasons not fully understood by the person. This does not excuse it, but realize “I don’t know” may be the honest answer. Some common reasons include: Attraction to a different person. A desire for attention, excitement, or novelty. A troubled marriage: poor communication, stress in the marriage, partners growing apart. If the person’s parent was unfaithful (especially the same sex). The individual comes from culture or subculture that expects and tolerates infidelity. Mental illness or disorders. People who cheat are not mentally ill, but a mental illness such as bipolar disorder, depression, or even severe attention deficit disorder can all contribute to poor decision making.
This may require a change in lifestyle, such as quitting a job, the softball team, or moving to a new town. If the relationship was of a very close family member (such as a sibling), this can be extremely awkward and difficult. Not only is your romantic relationship damaged, but close family relationships as well. If your partner is unwilling to cut off contact with the third party, it may be a sign that they are unwilling to stop cheating. In this case, you may not be able to repair the relationship. If the third party continues to pursue your partner despite being cut off, you and your partner may want to pursue a restraining order to keep this person away from you both.
If your partner pressures you to talk, say something like, “I appreciate that you want to talk, but I am just too hurt right now to talk about what happened. Please show your love for me by giving me space and time. ” It is OK to be very, very angry. You have every right to be hurt, angry, and otherwise furious. Expressing this is healthy, as it is not OK to be cheated on and your partner needs to know how their actions affect you. Not being honest and open about this means they do not have to face the reality of what has been done, and you may implode if you try to squelch these natural and normal feelings. If they try to avoid or blame you, this is a sign that they are not truly accepting responsibility. You can say something like, " I want to keep the focus on your behavior. "
For example, your partner should not talk to a work friend about you or your marital issues. You and your partner can work together to compile a list of topics that are acceptable as well as topics that are not acceptable for conversations with friends and coworkers. Friendships do not involve any sexuality. One does not kiss (except in polite greeting in certain cultures), flirt, or otherwise engage in even mild sexual behavior. There should be no one-on-one outings with people that risks infidelity. This means no drinks with single (or even married) co-workers, for instance. This may seem harsh, but this can help re-establish trust. Emotional intimacy belongs in the marriage. This does not mean you cannot have a best friend to confide in, but at some point it can cross the line to what is not appropriate.
Take caution not to cross into being demanding or controlling when doing this. It’s fine to check with your partner about where they are, but it’s not healthy to flood them with texts or calls, nor is it okay to threaten them or the relationship if they don’t reply immediately. It’s understandable to be suspicious, but your behavior also needs to be appropriate.
One idea: schedule two 30 minute sessions each week to talk to your partner about the affair, rather than spreading the questions throughout the week. Don’t ask your partner to reveal things that will be too hurtful for you to hear. You decide when and if you want certain information. You reserve the right to not know things as well.
Say something like, “I appreciate your apologies and I want you to keep apologizing, but I am just not ready to forgive you yet. ” It is OK to not forgive. Cheating is a deep wound, and sometimes is fatal to a relationship. This does not necessarily mean you are not a good or nice person or otherwise not loving enough. It is OK to say you have had enough.
Keep in mind that marriage counseling will not offer an instant solution. Reestablishing trust in your relationship will take time. Marriage or couples counseling can also help make ending the relationship smoother. Although counselors tend to try to fix relationships, they can help the individuals recognize when it is not working, and how to move forward in that direction as well.
“Remember when we used to go walking and talking around the neighborhood, walking the dogs together? Let’s do that tonight… How about it?” “What happened yesterday between us didn’t go so well, and I want to try another way — can we start over, and this time I will take some deep breaths and listen more patiently. I also want to say what works better for me and find out what you are hoping for. ”
If you are not sure what your spouse wants or needs, the best way to find out is to ask questions and listen. If you still are not sure, ask more questions. For example, you could say something like, “I think that what you need from me is ________. Is that what you mean?”[9] X Research source
For example, if your partner cleans the kitchen, don’t say “You did a nice job of cleaning the kitchen. ” Instead, say “I appreciate that you cleaned the kitchen. ” Using I instead of you lets your partner know how you feel, not just that you noticed.
Constant fighting Inability to connect with your partner Inability to empathize with or receive empathy from your partner Hurt and anger that does not subside with time Inability to forgive your partner
