If you have children in the home, alert them to head to your “safety zone” whenever shouting or other signs of violent behavior takes place. If you believe you are in danger, call the emergency services immediately. [2] X Expert Source Frank BlaneyCertified Tai Chi & Qigong Instructor Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.
Beyond telling someone you trust, it can be helpful to ask them to assist in helping you find a way to leave. You generally need to gather resources, copies of documents and other items as you prepare to leave. A trusted friend can store these items for you. Gather any items you may need to leave like your own cell phone, a separate bank account and legal ID so you are not forced to stay in the home.
Because abuse often follows the same cycle, you may be able to time leaving during a time where your partner thinks everything is “normal” and perhaps less likely to think something is going to happen. If you have to leave during the active abuse, beware this is the time you are most likely to be faced with possible false charges of you being the abuser, or even of getting hurt.
You might document the abuse by photographing injuries you or others sustain, having others write down testimony to what they witness, or keeping a journal with dates, times, and details of what happened. In order for this to be considered documentation of abuse, you must refrain from expressing opinions or making judgments. Stick to the facts.
Documenting and not reacting to abuse is much safer for you in the long run, no matter how tempting retaliation may be.
Many support programs have resources that can help prepare and support a safety plan. This includes setting up secure mailing addresses so the abuser does not know where you have gone and other formal ways to protect yourself.
Female abusers are far more likely to use control or emotional abuse against male partners than the reverse.
There’s a myth that the mother will automatically get custody. In fact, when fathers ask for custody, they often get it. [10] X Research source [11] X Research source (This includes situations in which there was no abuse. ) Don’t give up. You have a good chance. In general you have the right in most states to leave the home, but if you are married there may be legal things you need to do to set up the legal separation and custody. Without taking legal steps, you may not have the right to simply leave with the kids. You want to be informed about the legal issues you face to avoid further threats or manipulation by your partner.
Calls you names, insults you or belittles you Blames any outburst on you and says you deserve to be treated this way Intimidates you into not seeing family or friends by yelling or making threats Turns the blame on you whenever you try to bring up a problem (For example, you try to tell her that she’s hurt your feelings, and somehow you end up being the one apologizing) Belittles you by accusing you of being gay or unable to perform sexually in front of others to hurt you Engages in behaviors that attempt to isolate you and keep what happens at home a secret[13] X Research source
Saying “I never said/did that” or “that never happened” Moving things around, and denying that anything has changed Telling you to stop overreacting when you mention a problem Calling you crazy or a liar (She may also say this about you to other people, to try to make them not listen to you)
Telling you if you try to leave she will call the police to have you arrested for domestic violence or some other sort of crime you did not commit. Using your fear of losing contact with your kids to keep you in the home by telling you that you will never see your kids again if you act in a way she does not like. Not allowing you to have contact with your family or friends unless you agree to her demands or cover up arguments you have had. Threatening to harm herself or someone else if you leave/disobey her.
Limiting your access to the phone or other communication with the outside world to the point that everything goes through your partner. This may also include tracking and monitoring your cell phone bill and demanding free access to email accounts as well. Becoming jealous and over-reacting about even meaningless contact with other women in public or incidental contact with co-workers. This outrage can be used as a way for her to justify hurting you physically or emotionally. You feeling like you are always walking on egg shells because she may explode at any time Manipulating you into staying in a bad relationship by threatening to harm or kill herself Taking control of the household funds to the extent that you are not able to buy things for yourself without her approval or you are forced to give her access to all the money you make working (without your consent)
Many men feel like they have to just take being hit by a female partner without reacting because a man should never hit a woman. This can be used as a part of the manipulation. Depending on local laws, a woman hitting a man may be treated differently than the opposite happening. This can be used as a threat to keep the secret. For example, she may tell you if you call the police, it is the man who is always arrested. Striking does not always mean hitting. It is also physical abuse if your partner pushes, kicks, trips, or otherwise physically hurts you. It includes using an object as a weapon, such as throwing a glass at you, or hitting you with a belt. If your partner misses on purpose, intending to scare you into submission, this is still abuse.
Your partner might withhold sex (as a punishment) or threaten false accusations of sexual misconduct as well. Sex may also be a form of abuse if she uses it as a way to humiliate or emasculate you. This would include touching you in a way that is unwanted, hurting you during sex or forcing you to do something you do not want to do. You should be able to freely say “no” (or a safe word) without worrying how she’ll react, and have her respect it, without her getting upset with you for saying no.
Consider keeping track of the good and bad interactions so you can establish patterns. Sometimes, in the moment, it is hard to see that you are repeating the same cycle and that the positive behaviors will soon give way to abuse. This cycle of abuse usually follows this pattern: abuse, guilt, excuses, “normal” behavior, fantasy and then build up to the abuse starting again. [18] X Expert Source Frank BlaneyCertified Tai Chi & Qigong Instructor Expert Interview. 28 September 2021. Knowing the pattern can also help you predict the abuse and start to recognize it as abusive behavior. [19] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
