Remember that their behavior isn’t a negative reflection on you. All kids act out, even under the care of good people. Treat this like an expression of frustration or panic or overwhelm, rather than hatred or rebellion. Avoid adversarial behavior, like yelling, making ultimatums, or taking away privileges. Punishment tends to make the child even more agitated. Keep your cool and focus on de-escalation. [2] X Research source [3] X Research source It’s better to leave than to scream at a child. Say, “I am overwhelmed. I need to take a break,” and leave the room until you can handle yourself. Modeling this kind of self awareness and control also helps the child learn that everyone needs breaks to calm down, at times.
Avoid saying “you can’t,” because that’s technically false. For example, if a girl pulls her sister’s hair, and you say, “You can’t pull her hair,” that will sound like a lie, because she just did it. Instead, say “It’s not safe to pull her hair!"[4] X Research source . Statements such as “you don’t”/“you’re not” should also be avoided, for similar reasons. Rather than saying “You don’t throw things” or “You’re not hitting your brother”, try saying “You shouldn’t throw things” or “It’s not nice to hit your brother”. Be consistent. [5] X Research source Don’t ignore a child who hits one day, and then yell at them the next day. Make sure that any “no hitting” rules are enforced for all children, not just autistic children. Get in the way if needed. For example, if your son is hitting your daughter, get in between the two of them and say, “I won’t let you hurt her. “[6] X Research source
“Don’t hit Dad! Hit the couch. " “No pushing me! It hurts! Go push the wall. "
“I see you’re upset about needing to go home. You’re allowed to tell me that you’re unhappy. It is not okay to hit me, no matter how upset you are. Now let’s get in the car. Mommy is waiting for us. " “Something is stressing you. I know being scared or mad is never a good feeling. If you’d like to talk about it, I’ll listen. " “I saw that you were mad that your brother took your doll. That doesn’t make it okay to kick him, because kicking hurts people. If he does it again, tell him no. If he doesn’t listen, ask for help instead of kicking. " “I’m sorry that you’re upset. I can tell something is stressing you out. That doesn’t make it okay to bite people when they don’t do what you want. If you want to use your words, or type on your tablet, you can tell me why you’re upset and I’ll listen. " “I don’t know what to do when you hit. It makes me stressed, and I want to keep everyone safe. "
Example of unhelpful speech during a meltdown: “It is not okay to hurt your brother! That hurt him. Hurting people is wrong. I am very disappointed in you. I raised you better than this. You need to say sorry!” Example of helpful speech: “No hitting people! Go hit the couch. " (An apology can come later. )
Repeating words and phrases, like “Hit cushions, not people,” or, “It’s okay, you’re safe. " Staring at toys or favorite things Kicking at or hitting objects (e. g. pounding their hands against the armrest of the chair) Rocking Humming or singing Putting things in their mouth
The child will probably want alone time once they’ve escaped. Help make sure that other people know to leave the child in peace for a while.
Never trap them or block their exit, as this may cause them to panic and lash out. Never try to restrain them; both of you could get seriously hurt. [14] X Research source Some children do find bear hugs calming when they’re upset. To ensure that it’s done with permission, you can offer a hug by spreading your arms and seeing if they come to you. (If they don’t, assume that they aren’t in the mood for a hug. ) Try staying on the other side of the room to supervise. This way, you’re still there for them, while also respecting their space. If you want, you can show empathy through your body language (such as lying down too if they are lying on the floor crying). [15] X Research source Leave them alone if they prefer. Some autistic children may look for a place where they can be alone (like hiding in a closet). If so, let them stay there without interruptions.
Calming down after a meltdown may take an hour or two. This is normal, and the best way to help is by giving them space and alone time. [16] X Research source Ask why they did it. Sometimes, a child just needs you to stay and listen while they “cry it out” or just sit with you. [17] X Research source [18] X Research source They may want you to sit next to them or hold them while they cry. [19] X Research source They may be able to express what’s really bothering them after they can let out their feelings. [20] X Research source The child’s explanation is very important. It can help you figure out the source of the problem, and how to make things better. For example, if the child hit Auntie because Auntie was going to kiss them even though they were protesting, maybe someone should talk to Auntie about respecting the child’s boundaries.
Mistreatment: Abuse, people being mean or punitive, people punishing them for autistic behavior or training them to act non-autistic (e. g. in some forms of ABA) Unhelpful interactions: Others escalating instead of de-escalating a crisis, people not paying attention to their communication, people steamrolling their boundaries or wishes, people not respecting their independence/abilities/free will Stress: Untreated anxiety, extreme stress from something in their life, lack of down time Lack of skills: Need for better self-calming skills, no ability to either speak reliably or use AAC so they become frustrated Learned behavior: Watching adults or children act aggressively, learning that adults give them what they want if they throw a big enough tantrum Sensory needs: Being instructed not to stim, unmet sensory needs, the child doesn’t realize that hitting hurts people
A tantrum is bad behavior. Ignore it, wait, and don’t give in. You can give a reminder like, “Kicking the floor will not change my mind. I will wait until you’re ready to talk to me. " Autistic children aren’t immune to the regular tantrums that any child has. A meltdown is like a panic attack. They need to get to get to a quiet, private place to help them de-stress. They will probably need to just “have a good cry,” and then rest. Give them patience and empathy; they aren’t doing this on purpose. [21] X Research source
When in doubt, assume it’s a meltdown. It’s better to err on the side of being too kind, than to risk being too harsh to a child who needs some understanding. [23] X Research source
Try seeing aggression as a desperate cry for help, whether the child intends to act this way or not. Sometimes, children target their siblings when they’re really upset about their parents not paying enough attention to them (e. g. “you don’t love me as much as you love him”). Giving loving attention can help defuse this.
If they can’t communicate reliably, then they can’t get their needs met. This can be incredibly frustrating. Start a nonspeaking child on AAC right away.
Saying phrases like, “I’m stressed,” “I need a break,” and, “I’m lonely” to adults Counting Taking deep breaths Saying, “I need a break,” and going somewhere quiet for a few minutes Going to the bathroom and washing the face Hitting a bed or couch cushion (not a person)
Punching bag (or couch cushions, or mattress of a bed) A doll’s hair to pull A theraband (stretchy rubber band to pull) Chewy toys or jewelry to bite A miniature trampoline A weighted blanket, heavy beanbag chair, or other deep pressure item to put on the child A swing
If you say no, empathize and tell them why. For example, “I know you’d like to stay at the park longer. It’s lots of fun. We need to go back now so that we have time to eat and do our bedtime routine without rushing. " Praise them when they tell you what they want. You can say, “Thanks for telling me what you think! You did a good job being assertive. " Make sure you listen when they assert themselves, even if you don’t like what they are saying. Acknowledge it, and show that you care. They’ll only assert themselves if they learn that assertiveness actually works.
Hyposensitive children may need the sensory input of hitting, and not realize that it hurts people. Explain it to them, and tell them constructive ways to get input (like pushing a wall or hitting some couch cushions). Don’t let other children (or adults!) get away with breaking a “no violence” rule. Speak firmly with them if you see them hurting someone or steamrolling someone else’s boundaries.
Help them label their emotions. For example, if your child comes home from school cranky, you could ask, “Are you frustrated?” Help by suggesting healthy coping mechanisms. For example, you could ask, “Do you need to go swing for a little while?”, or, “Do you need alone time?”
“Great job telling me that you’re overwhelmed! That was really good communication. You can go to your room, and I’ll tell people not to bother you for a while. " “It’s so nice to be able to sit and play with you. I’m having a lot of fun. " “I saw that you didn’t throw anything even though you were really upset. It was nice to see you working on controlling yourself. " “Good job taking a break when you got frustrated. You’re a really good kid, you know that?” “I saw that even though you were really upset this afternoon, you didn’t hit anyone, and instead you told me that you wanted to go sit in your corner. That was really cool. You are becoming so good at communication and it makes me proud. "
Discuss any signs of mental illness, like anxiety or depression, and how to treat them. Consider checking for food allergies or sensitivities. If the child is hurting themselves, e. g. head-banging, check the area that they are harming. For example, if they hit their head, maybe they are experiencing pain from a toothache, migraine, or lice.
No one should hit, restrain, spank, or otherwise lay a hand on an unwilling child. This increases aggression and behavior problems. [30] X Research source The child should not be hurt, upset, or frightened by someone’s touch. Sensory pain is real pain. Take it seriously, and take steps to protect the child from something that hurts them, even if it’s not painful to you. Someone who hates autism probably will not be kind to autistic children. Watch for red flags of a bad attitude.
Sometimes, silly play with a child can help them release anger or fear. [31] X Research source [32] X Research source For example, a pillow fight or chasing game might help redirect the child. If the child is overwhelmed, they need patience and time. Shouting at them, or trying to force them to follow directions, is a bad idea. Make sure that the child isn’t grabbed or crowded if they don’t want it. If they need space, they should have it.
Affection should not be forced upon the child. The child has the right to say no to unwanted hugs and kisses. Give your child options, like high-fives, handshakes, blowing kisses, or just waving. [33] X Research source [34] X Research source
For example, if the child wants cake but the adult says no, then the child throwing a tantrum shouldn’t result in them getting cake. The adult should wait until it’s over and then suggest a reasonable alternative, like a healthy snack.
If your child is struggling with a task, be available to help. If your child is getting overwhelmed or upset, intervene. Let them take a break or do something relaxing.
For a younger child, an adult should be nearby to keep an eye on them. Older children can be left alone. They should have more than an hour of free time each day, to play quietly without being interrupted or bossed around. This is very calming, and can reduce aggression and other outbursts.
If a child feels like you listen to them and love them, they’re more likely to run to you for help if they can’t deal with a problem, instead of trying to solve it with their fists. [38] X Research source
Consider issue-specific counseling if you know what’s wrong. For example, if the child turns aggressive after their mother passes away, then a grief counselor who specializes in children may be able to help. Look into occupational therapy. Many parents find this kind of therapy helpful. [39] X Research source It can help the child find ways to meet their sensory needs, and it can help teach motor skills, body awareness, daily living skills, problem solving, and other techniques to lessen many day-to-day frustrations at home and in the classroom. Avoid behavior-based therapies that may focus more on controlling the child than on opening a dialogue (e. g. many forms of ABA). ABA may also worsen anxiety symptoms,[40] X Research source and this can lead to more aggression.
Kids have bad days. Kids have bad moods. This happens. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong. There is no need to take it personally. [41] X Research source If you blame yourself, your child may notice this and begin blaming themselves too, thinking that they are a disappointment. Forgive yourself, and this will help your child forgive themselves. [42] X Research source
Autistic children can usually tell when a caregiver is stressed. Be a good role model and employ some self-calming strategies, or take a break. Ask yourself what could help you right now: coffee? a hug? a warm shower? If you don’t have other people available to help with caregiving duties, look into respite care. There are various support programs available, often run through the state government, to provide short-term care so that primary caregivers can take a break.
Using a fake name, post a description of your child’s problems in #AskAnAutistic, where autistic people who had or have similar problems can offer advice and ideas.
