Tell your partner about every instance of harassment, including when the behavior first started. Talk about the behavior together. If your partner is in denial about their ex’s behavior, or doesn’t think it constitutes harassment and that you should just “get over it,” the two of you may want to seek the assistance of a professional counselor or a neutral third party to better understand each other.
For example, if your partner’s ex has prior assault charges or similar brushes with the law stemming from similar harassment circumstances, you may want to go to the police sooner rather than later. On the other hand, if your partner’s ex has exhibited this kind of behavior in the past, but it quickly fizzled out and they moved on, you may be better off just to ignore it as best you can.
Keep in mind that it is sometimes difficult to prove harassment, and authorities will be less inclined to see you as an innocent victim if you did anything to harass or egg on your partner’s ex. Try to keep a cool head, and avoid responding or reacting to anything your partner’s ex says or does.
If you’re dealing with online harassment, create a screen capture of any posts or messages you see that are harassing – especially if your partner’s ex has the ability to delete the messages. If you do decide to involve authorities, they may try to cover their tracks. While it may be tempting to delete harassing voicemail messages, emails, or texts, keep them on your phone so you’ll have them in the event you decide to go to the police.
Particularly in situations where your partner still must maintain contact with their ex, such as if they have kids together, it is best for you to present a united front. Then your partner can discuss what the boundaries are and what types of contact or communication are welcome to continue. Because they used to be together, your partner needs to be the lead in terms of establishing and maintaining rules for how their ex treats you. Your partner’s ex will be less likely to respect boundaries they know are set by you if they are already showing you disrespect. Keep in mind that your partner’s ex may be acting from emotion rather than logic. They may feel hurt or betrayed, depending on the circumstances of the break-up. Be neutral and objective, and avoid making incriminating, threatening, or insulting statements.
If possible, arrange for both you and your partner to sit down with your partner’s ex. If you’re worried your partner’s ex will feel as though you’re ganging up on them, invite them to bring a friend or family member along for moral support. You might also consider finding a neutral third party, counselor, or mediator to sit down with the group of you and get to the bottom of the issues at hand and the reason for the harassing behavior. Come to this meeting with an open mind. Your purpose is not to confront your partner’s ex, but to be open to them, understand the motivation for their behavior, and arrive at a resolution that works for everyone.
The biggest benefit to blocking someone on social media is the sense of ease that comes from the harasser being “out of sight, out of mind. " However, in some cases it may not be that simple to get relief from harassment from your partner’s ex – particularly if they still must remain in touch. Keep in mind that blocking your partner’s ex on social media also does not mean that they can no longer post harassing or insulting things about you – it just means that you won’t be able to see those posts. If your partner’s ex regularly posted insults or digs at you on social media, make sure you’re okay with not knowing about it or having the opportunity to speak up for yourself.
Change your passwords to something that includes upper- and lower-case letters, numbers, and symbols or special characters, so it is not easy for your partner’s ex to guess. You also want to change the password of your home wireless network, if you have one. Make sure you have the latest virus protection installed on your computer, with the most recent update.
Record your journal entry as soon as possible after the incident has taken place, so the facts will still be fresh in your mind. Write down every detail you can remember, no matter how mundane or seemingly irrelevant. Date and sign your entries so you have a record both of when the incident happened and when you wrote about it.
Particularly if your partner’s ex has been interfering with online accounts belonging to you or your ex, you still want to save the digital files – they may be helpful in the investigation. Make copies for your own records before you take any evidence or information to the police, including of your journal. They likely will want the originals, so you want to make sure you have copies just in case.
Tell the officer who takes the report as many details as possible, and give them all the evidence you have as well as your journal.
Keep in mind restraining orders often are categorized by your relationship (or former relationship) to your harasser. Domestic violence protections tend to be stronger than those for harassment by someone unrelated. If your partner’s ex is also harassing your partner, you may want to get your partner to apply for the restraining order rather than you. Your partner can then list you as another member of the household to be protected by the restraining order. If you don’t live with your partner, this option may not be available to you.
You can do a search online to find attorneys in your area who work for victims of harassment or stalking. Most of them will give you a free initial consultation. If you decide to hire an attorney, interview at least three so you can compare and contrast to make the best choice.
You may be asked some questions that you find offensive, or that make it sound as though you are being blamed for the harassment from your partner’s ex. Try to stay calm and relaxed, and not get angry or indignant. If there’s something that you don’t understand, ask an officer about it. You may want to get answers to questions, especially about procedural matters, in writing. Keep all updated files, including the original police report, together with your copies of the evidence and your journal logging the harassing incidents.
For example, if your partner’s ex destroyed property that belonged to you, or spread rumors about you that caused you to lose a job or income in some way, you could sue them to recover your losses. If you think you might have a lawsuit against your partner’s ex, consult an attorney as soon as possible. There are deadlines to file these lawsuits, which differ depending on the damages you want to claim. Most attorneys will give you a free initial consultation to assess your lawsuit and discuss your chances of success.
