You might remember their phone number or their email address, but removing them from your phone, computer, tablet, address book etc. can make it at least a little bit more difficult for you to quickly contact them. [3] X Expert Source Maggie MitchellLife Coach Expert Interview. 18 October 2021. For example, if you delete your ex’s contact information from your phone, it’ll be less tempting to just tap their name and send a text or give them a call — at the very least, it’ll make you think before you do so.
Doing this is particularly useful if you’re working hard to keep your mind off of them, as every time they call/text you’ll be reminded of them, and you may be tempted to respond.
It may be tempting to see what the person is up to on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or some other social media site. Avoid the urge to check up on them, as this will only make it more difficult to get over them and move on with your own life.
As time goes on, you might look back on the relationship or at least the time period in your life fondly. If there’s a chance you’ll regret getting rid of the photos, consider putting them in a box or on a flash drive, and then giving them to a friend for safe-keeping until you’re feeling well enough to look at them again. [6] X Expert Source Maggie MitchellLife Coach Expert Interview. 18 October 2021.
You may want to donate or even burn those things at some point, but for now, just stow them away so that they’re not constant reminders of your loss. If you do decide to burn things, ensure that you do so in a safe area where having a fire is legal — for example, an outdoor fire pit, not your bedroom floor.
If you received unexpected results in an experiment, you’d examine the experiment, see where it deviated, and look at the results in light of the deviation. You’d then come up with a plan for your next steps. It may feel sociopathic, but it really can help to approach your broken heart in this way. It may not feel as though you have control over your feelings right now, but with some persistence, you can train your brain to respond in a controlled manner — for example, to view things calmly and objectively instead of taking them personally.
Instead of fighting your feelings, try to accept them and allow them to just be. It can help to take a step back and try to observe your emotions, detach yourself from them. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is totally natural. You might say to yourself, “I’m grieving the loss of this relationship, and these are the feelings involved with that. ”[9] X Research source Remember—as much as it hurts, leaving a relationship is sometimes necessary for personal growth. [10] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
Some experts recommend journaling every day. This can help you get in touch with your feelings and even figure out how to get over them. If you’re out and you feel the need to vent, use a notepad or a note-taking app on your phone to jot down what you’re feeling. Recording your feelings can be particularly useful when you want to communicate with the person you miss or are upset with. Instead of contacting them, write them a letter or record yourself saying what you’d like to say to them. Do not send them the message though. This is just to help you. You might even find it useful to destroy the letter/recording once it’s done.
Don’t play the relationship over and over again in your head. Don’t dwell on what could have been done differently; it’s over now, and in any case it may have had little to do with you – for example, you might have just wanted different things in life. [11] X Expert Source Maggie MitchellLife Coach Expert Interview. 18 October 2021. Instead of asking yourself “why me” or telling yourself “I’m worthless”, think about what you would have changed about how you behaved, and use that to grow and move on. Rather than beating yourself up, work on taking care of yourself. You can start by feeling proud of yourself for having the maturity to want to grow from this experience.
In addition to the things you didn’t like about them and the relationship, think about whether the person brought out things in you that you didn’t like — for example, “When I was with you, I was flakey to my friends and always ditched them for you. I also didn’t pursue my own hobbies any more, and felt like I was just becoming a version of you. ” It can be helpful to make a list of all the bad things in the relationship; just make sure that you keep it in a safe space or destroy it. Don’t show it to anyone else — especially not the person you’re trying to get over. It’ll only cause drama and make it harder for you to move on.
Instead of feeling hateful and angry toward them, try to feel sorry for them. They might be dealing with something on a conscious or even unconscious level that you know nothing about.
Don’t talk to people who will be dismissive of your feelings, as they will only make you feel worse. If you’re really struggling with your feelings, you might even consider seeing a counselor. [14] X Expert Source Maggie MitchellLife Coach Expert Interview. 18 October 2021. A good counselor will be able to give you practical advice for moving on. While it’s healthy to talk about your feelings, you need to make sure that it’s not all you talk about, otherwise you’ll risk alienating the people closest to you. If you’re worried you may be talking about it too much, ask the person you’re talking to how they’re feeling. A good friend will let you know what’s up without getting upset at you.
Studies have shown that focusing on yourself and not taking action to get out of your own head and lift your mood can land you in long-term depression. [16] X Research source If you can’t stop dwelling on what happened, consider having a conversation with the person so you can get closure. [17] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
It’s likely that one day you’ll look back and be able to smile at how intensely you thought you loved this person, when all they are to you now is a memory of a very different time in your life.
Some days you might even find it difficult to get out of bed. That’s okay. Have a positive attitude toward it. It can be helpful to even let yourself have a whole day in bed just reading or watching movies, or listening to sad music and crying your eyes out. Tell yourself, “Okay, I’ll take this day to acknowledge my sadness, but tomorrow I’ll go for a run. I know I’m strong enough to get through this. ”
Try to take a step back and consider what the contributing factors might have been that could have caused the breakup. Just remember not to spend too much time on it — you are trying to learn a lesson and grow from it, not beat yourself up over where you went wrong. This doesn’t necessarily mean thinking about where you went wrong. It might even be something simple like “We are actually very different people with different goals. ” You can have fun with this by spending a few hours on it and really treating it like an experiment, with charts and graphs.
It’s common after a breakup to feel as though you’ve wasted your time. If you view the relationship as a learning experience, it’s not waste of time at all. Things that help you grow and learn are not a waste of time.
A good writing exercise to build your concept of self is to simply label a page “Who am I?” or “What makes me, me?” and then note your responses.
Instead of telling yourself not to think bout the person you want to get over, when the thought comes into your mind, gently remind yourself that they’re no longer part of your life, and then put your attention back on something that benefits you. [21] X Research source
Whenever a thought about the person comes into your head, push it away and tell yourself that you’ll return to the thought later when you’ve reached the time in the day that you are allowed to think about that person. When the time comes, you can sit quietly and think about them all you want. Set a timer to make sure you don’t go too long. You might try starting with two 10-minute periods a day — one in the morning and one in the evening. Try not to make the person the last thing you think about every night. If possible, read an engaging book or do yoga before bed; thoughts of the person might still come into your mind, but you can tell them to go away until the next time you’ve set to think about them.
Hold the imaginary box in your hands and then blow it away. When the thoughts come back into your head later, tell yourself “No, those are gone now” and try to quickly think of something else.
It’s still important to have goals and work towards them, but you do not need to think about these goals all the time. If you do, you might be so focused on the future that you forget to do the things that must be done in the present in order to reach your goals! You don’t want to look back on your life a year from now and realize that you’ve wasted the past year being depressed and doing nothing because of how sad you were about the loss of that relationship.
At the very least, you might get a small kick out of how insane you look, staring at your computer and smiling falsely in an attempt to bring on a real one. If you’re really struggling to do this, try watching some stand-up comedy or something else that will bring a smile to your face, no matter how small it is.
If you know that you’ll feel lonely on Friday night and want to call them, make plans for Friday night. Do this even if you’re depressed and don’t want to do anything. Make plans and try to live in the moment while you’re out with others.
You must do things to lift your mood, otherwise you’ll just dwell on your situation and become depressed. [22] X Research source Examples of hobbies: music, art, sports, dance, movies, video games, reading, cooking, attending plays or local festivals, checking out museums etc.
When you begin to feel sad and like something’s missing, direct your energy toward your new habit instead of thinking about your lost love. [24] X Research source Note that this does not mean you should start seeing someone new or otherwise try to replace the person you loved with a new person. That would be an unhealthy thing to do.
A good way to do this is to spend some time alone and explore your hobbies, feelings etc. This might not be possible for the first few weeks or months. You’ll know you’re ready when you’re not thinking of that person every single waking second of the day.
Eat well, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep and exercise, meditate — you might even buy yourself a new outfit or get a nice haircut. Experts say that stress is the primary trigger for indulging in addictions, and this includes exes. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, tired or otherwise stressed out, you’ll have more difficulty resisting the temptation to connect with the person you’re trying to get over. [25] X Research source Studies show that nurturing the parts of yourself that you neglected during a relationship can help you move on. [26] X Research source
Drinking, using drugs, eating too much or too little, isolating yourself from loved ones, engaging in aggressive or violent behaviour, spending too much time on the Internet, or pretty much any other excessive behaviour (gaming, shopping, watching pornography, exercising etc. ). For example, if you know that you tend to binge eat, counter this by going for a walk or a run, or doing something with your hands such as drawing or crafts.
Some studies have shown that taking revenge can actually force you to play the situation over and over again in your head, whereas not getting revenge helps make the situation seem less significant, making it easier to forget. [28] X Research source
If you struggle to see your worth, sit down and write a list of things you like about yourself. It might only be one thing the first day, and even that might be a struggle, but if you do it every day, maybe within a week you’ll be able to come up with five good things about yourself — maybe after a few months you’ll be able to fill a page.
If you’ve been hurt by someone, don’t let them hurt you any more than they already have by sinking into a depression that may stall your life. [29] X Research source
For example, if you’re about to go from high school to college, challenge yourself to get the best marks possible and to get into a college program that you will love. If you’re unsure of what you want to do next in life, take time to explore your options. If you’re in school, see a career counsellor. If you’re not, try asking some close friends and family about your strengths, and what they think you’d be good at.
The more you grow, the more you know what works, and this will help you find someone who better suits you.
If you’re still thinking about your ex regularly, you will not be able to devote the necessary attention to a healthy new relationship. [31] X Research source It’s important to feel confident in yourself before starting a new relationship. If you’re scared to be alone, this is not the time to start something new. [32] X Research source
