Pick a time to talk when you and your loved one are calm. Try sometime in the evening, after dinner, or when you are home together. Make it a private conversation so that you can express yourself openly. For example, you might talk at home, either the two of you or with other loved ones present.
Express your concerns as an opinion. People with DPD may not seem “sick” in an obvious way or recognize that there is a problem. Instead of saying, “This behavior isn’t normal for an adult ,” say something like “You seem to have trouble doing things on your own. ” Since people with DPD often have low feelings of self-worth, use “I” statements to be as non-judgmental as you can. Instead of saying, “You never take any responsibility for yourself” say something like “I notice that you get really anxious when you have to make decisions for yourself. Why is that?” Suggest that your loved one talk to a doctor or see a therapist, i. e. “I wonder if you have a dependency issue? Maybe it would be best to talk to someone about it. ”
For example, “I notice that you often talk down about yourself. Just yesterday you said that you were “stupid” twice. ” Or, “I worry because it’s so hard for you to be by yourself. Do you remember last year when I wanted to go on vacation for a week and you got so upset at the thought of being alone? I had to cancel everything. ”
You cannot force someone to seek treatment. However, repeat your concern if the loved one hasn’t acted and the situation has continued. For example, you might say, “Have you thought about what I said a few weeks ago? Are you willing to talk to a doctor about it?”
The internet is a great initial resource. You can start by searching Google for “Dependent Personality Disorder” and by reading up on the disorder at reputable websites like the Cleveland Clinic, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and the Merck Manual. Look for books on the disorder, as well. Try your local bookstore or library and ask for volumes on DPD. Some titles include The Dependent Personality, The Dependent Patient, and Healthy Dependency: Leaning on Others While Helping Yourself.
Talking with a doctor can alert you to more of the traits of DPD and how they can affect you, like emotional blackmail, projection, and mirroring, testing relationships, and sometimes even stealing. We don’t know what exactly causes DPD. However, you can also learn more from a mental health professional about the possible biological, cultural, and psychological factors.
Know that while some people with DPD take medications, these are normally for other issues that arise alongside DPD like anxiety or depression. Use should be carefully monitored, too, so that individuals don’t develop dependency on the drugs.
You might offer to help with errands, chores, groceries, or other normal activities if your loved one is going through a down period. However, always keep in mind that helping someone with DPD too much can be damaging. Since they seek out dependence, you could end up enabling the disorder and making it worse. Do offer encouragement and kind words, however. Your loved one will need them.
Be wary of taking on responsibility for your loved one’s decisions, treatment, and affairs. Also be aware of how much time and attention you are devoting to your loved one. People with DPD are often very needy and seek out constant attention and validation. Encourage autonomy. People with DPD do not trust their own ability to make decisions. Part of improvement is for them to learn personal autonomy and to take responsibility for themselves. Find ways to encourage this.
Be willing to help your loved one, but set clear limits. For example, “OK Adam, I will help you research therapists but you have to call to set up the appointment” or “I’m willing to drive you to your first appointment, Gina. After that, you need to drive yourself. ” People with DPD can benefit from assertiveness training, so that they learn ways to stand up for themselves. However, you too might benefit from training in assertiveness to extricate yourself from a too-dependent relationship.
For example, say your loved one wants help with balancing a check book. Rather than an open-ended agreement, specify that you’ll show your loved one how to balance the check book once and only once. Try not to get drawn in to emotional issues unrelated to the check book. Try the same technique with other problems. Set definite limits on how you will contribute to solving a problem and stick to them.
