Don’t be afraid to say the word “died. " Don’t say “I heard what happened. " Say “I heard the news that your grandmother died. " When you say what’s true, even if it’s painful, you’re showing your friend that you’re willing to talk about the hard things in life. Your friend needs someone who gets it and is capable of going there. Name the person who died. Saying the person’s name might cause tears to come, but it will help your friend to know the person who died still matters to other people.
If you knew the person who has passed away, share memories of that person with your friend, and list the good qualities of that person. Remembering the good of that person can help your friend feel a bit better about the loss they’re enduring. If you and your friend are religious, offer to pray for him/her and his/her family. If they are not religious, say that you are thinking of them and are deeply sorry for their loss.
Avoid saying things like “She’s in a better place,” or “She’d want you to be happy right now. " You don’t actually know that, do you? Hearing these empty statements isn’t very helpful. If you’re having trouble putting your feelings into words, it’s ok to say something along the lines of “I just don’t know what to say. I can’t express how sorry I am. " Don’t worry about saying the perfect thing. The important thing is that your friend knows you care and that you’re trying. [4] X Expert Source Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYTLicensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
Some people might not want to be asked how they’re feeling. If your friend doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, don’t push him or her to say more. If your friend does decide to open up, encourage him or her to talk for as long as it helps. Don’t try to change the subject, or inject cheer into the conversation; just let the person be expressive and release all the emotions he or she normally has to hold back.
Be prepared to get to know your friend in a deeper way, and see him or her act in ways you may not be used to. Despair and grief can erupt in many different ways. Your friend might feel denial, anger, numbness, and a million other emotions in response to his or her grief.
Forget the “five stages of grief. " There is no actual timeline for grief, and everyone handles it differently. While thinking about grief as a series of stages might be helpful to some, for many people it simply doesn’t apply. Don’t hold your friend to any kind of timeline.
Think ahead about how you’ll react if your friend cries when you’re together. Prepare to give him or her a hug, continue making eye contact, and stay for as long as necessary. Leaving the room, looking away, making a joke or somehow cutting off the conversation can leave the person feeling embarrassed that he or she cried.
Make food or bring food to your friend and his/her family. Or, if you’re challenged by the kitchen, you could bring them nice carry-out. Give people rides Do household chores Take care of the person’s pets Get the person’s homework assignments Make phone calls to inform people about the person’s loss
Make cookies or bake a cake Take the person out to the movies or go for a walk in the park Send a thoughtful card in the mail Email the person more often Include the person in more social activities Give the person gifts every once in a while
Don’t pressure your friend to do activities he or she no longer finds fun. Understand that your friend might go through serious problems after the loss of a relative. Sometimes people turn to addictive behaviors or experience major depression as a result of grief and trauma. If you’re worried that your friend might harm him or herself, help your friend get help.
Check in on the anniversary of your friend’s relative’s death. Ask your friend how he or she is doing. The best thing you can do for your friend is just to be there. If they call, talk or set up plans. If they don’t, send a card saying you’re thinking of them. It’s best to let them grieve while you offer your embrace and your love.
