Make an effort to spend time with your friend. People with low self-esteem often lack the initiative to make plans with someone. You may have to initiate plans yourself and stick with them. Difficulty in reaching out and following through in social plans is not a slight towards you. Rather, it reflects on the anxiety, fear, or depression a person with low self-esteem may have. Having a regular “date” can be helpful, providing a way to lessen planning and making sure weeks do not go by without contact. Whether this is a Sunday afternoon cup of coffee, Wednesday night poker night, or daily morning swim, these times can be vital to helping you and your friend. Listen to your friend, making eye contact while you are conversing. Talk to them about their problems, ask them about what’s wrong, and offer them support and advice (but only when they ask for it). A little caring can go a long way. Showing that you care about your friend can help give them the support they need to improve their self-esteem. [2] X Research source
If you try to counter the person’s negativity, they may not respond well. This is not a problem solved solely by logic. For example, if they say “I feel so stupid,” it may not be helpful to say, “No, you’re not: you’re very smart. ” Your friend will likely easily bring up ways they are stupid–that is what they have been thinking. Instead, try responding to “I feel so stupid” by saying something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. What makes you think that? Did something happen?” This can offer an avenue for a more productive conversation. Affirm their feelings. Just having one’s voice heard is empowering. It is tempting to try to argue that negative feelings are unmerited, but you should avoid that. Yes: “You sound really disappointed over not having a date for the semi-formal. I can imagine that’s very tough. I’ve had that sort of thing happen to me, too. " No: " You shouldn’t feel so bad about not having a date for the semi-formal. It’s really not a big deal, so get over it. I had that happen to me and I was fine. "
For the above example: “A lot of people go as a couple to the semi-formal, but I know a lot of people who are going solo, too. You certainly would not be the only one. " Or: “A bunch of us are carpooling there, if you would like to come. I’d love to have you join us. In fact, if you would like me to introduce you to my roommate’s friend, I was thinking the two of you might hit it off. . . "
Or try having them help you. A person with low self-esteem ironically will often be more willing to help out a friend than themselves. Offering an opportunity to help another can set up for a moment to do something that builds self-esteem. For example, having a person help you with a relationship problem or fix your computer is helpful.
For example, if their inner voice tells them, “I mess up every attempt at a relationship,” that supposes that one is cosmically doomed to be single based on one relationship. It also suggests that there is nothing one can learn from a failure, or skills to improve on. Hopefully, as a friend you can re-frame this assessment to declarations such as: “This relationship did not work out, and it is better to know that sooner rather than later. Thank goodness that I learned now rather than be married and have three kids!” “I may have to kiss a few more frogs before I find my prince. Most people do. " " I learned that I need to communicate better. I will work on that - it is something I can get better at. ”
You may want to approach this conversation carefully. You don’t want to alienate the other person or make them think that you think they are crazy. If you have ever been to therapy yourself, explain how much it helped you in the past. Do not be surprised or upset if your suggestion is immediately rejected. You may have planted a seed that will continue to grow in the other person’s mind; they may eventually decide to try a counselor.
What goal you are setting and why. (I want to run a 5K so I increase physical fitness. ) What you will do when you achieve the goal. (When I finish that race, maybe I will think about running a half-marathon). How you will feel if you do not achieve it. What happens if I do my best and give it a shot and it does not work out? (I would be disappointed if I do not finish the race, but there is always another race. Besides, my real goal is to be more physically fit. If I am healthier, I am a winner. If running does not work out, there are other fitness activities I could try. ) The possible outcomes of taking a risk. (I could get thinner. I could hurt my knees. I might look ridiculous in the gym. I may feel better. Maybe I will really like this. ) How you will feel with the different outcomes. (I would be really happy to succeed, and feel more confident about myself. Injury would be bad, though. I hate feeling out of place, too. )
Emphasize that even when things do not work out as you had hoped, you do not blame or berate yourself. Communicate that you do not assume that other people are judging or thinking bad things about you in their minds. Explain how you praise yourself for your accomplishments, and that being proud of yourself doesn’t mean being arrogant. Model an inner voice that actually shows the support that you would give a dear friend, not the abuse that you wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Try using positive phrases such as “I am good at…” “I hope to continue to grow in…” “I embrace my…” and “I feel good when I…”
Whereas someone with low self-esteem may think, “I am a failure because I haven’t found a job,” you can model a better approach by saying, “I am a great employee, and am working towards finding a job that is the right fit for me. ” Instead of expressing something like, “I am hopelessly disorganized,” you can say, “I am better at the ‘big picture’ ideas than the details, but I am working on becoming more organized and attentive to detail. ”
Making constant negative comments about themselves. Expressing that anything less than perfection in their life is unacceptable. Anxiety or panic when around new people. Giving up without even trying for fear of failure. Getting extremely defensive with little provocation. Assuming that others are always thinking the worst about them.
“I’m such a fat pig, no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend. " “I hate my job, but no one would hire someone like me. " “I’m such a failure. "
Tolerate abusive relationships Become bullies or abusers themselves Give up on dreams and goals for fear of failure Neglect personal hygiene Participate in self-injurious behavior
Your primary obligation is to your children. That does not mean your friend is not a priority, but your child’s dance recital will be a higher priority than your friend’s poetry reading. Calls after 10 p. m. must be a real emergency. A car accident is a real emergency, but a breakup with a girlfriend is not an emergency. You need time away from your friend to nurture other relationships. You value your friend but also need to spend time with other friends, family, boyfriends or girlfriends, and even time to yourself. You will talk about what is bothering your friend, but also about your own life, interests, and other things. Friendships are two-way relationships that have give-and-take.
Low self-esteem does not give a person a “free pass” to be cruel, no matter why the person has low self-esteem. You have a right to protect yourself from further pain. You may have to discontinue your friendship, and rightfully so.
