How you discuss death will depend a lot on your child’s age. Children have different developmental stages in understanding death – a toddler needs a different approach than an elementary schooler, who needs a different approach than a teen. [2] X Expert Source Vernita Marsh, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Expert Interview. 7 April 2022. In general, don’t be afraid to talk about the event. Kids won’t benefit from “not thinking about it” or “putting it out of mind. ” Not talking openly about the death can lead to confusion and anger in the long run. [3] X Research source Talk to your child in the days immediately after the death. Don’t be surprised if your child is very quiet at first, but leave the door open, i. e. “You can come to talk with me any time, if you want to. ”
Keep it simple and limit your explanation about what happened, i. e. “Dear, your friend Kevin died in a car accident” or “Julia died last night at the hospital from cancer. ” Adding extra information about the car crash or details about the disease can confuse a child. Favor the word “dead. ” You may need to explain to a small child what this means, again in concrete terms, i. e. “Death means that her body has stopped working. ” You will have to tailor what you say for your child’s age, obviously. You might have to explain to a small child that “Death means she’s gone and not coming back. ” Older kids and teens will have a better understanding of death as a concept. [5] X Expert Source Vernita Marsh, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.
Avoid phrases like, “passed away,” “gone to sleep,” “gone to God,” or “taken to a better place. ” The same holds for saying that you have “lost” someone. Because children think literally, these phrases can be very confusing. They may not realize that the friend is permanently gone or may start to fear going to sleep or becoming “lost” themselves. Feel free to include religious beliefs in the conversation, whatever they may be. However, avoid saying that God “took someone away. ” A child might become afraid that God will take them away, too.
Children might wonder if death is like going to sleep. Explain that during sleep the body still works, while with death it doesn’t. Be clear about the differences so that your child doesn’t start to fear sleeping. Kids may also ask about pain, i. e. “Does it hurt to die?” You might say that doctors and nurses can use medicine to take away the pain and make it hurt as little as possible. Be honest if your child asks more generally about death and whether he or she will die. Explain that everyone dies at some point, but that most people live for a long-time – and that someone will be there to look after your child if you yourself die. Questions of meaning are harder. It’s OK to admit that you don’t know why your child’s friend had to die or say that you are upset and confused, too. [6] X Research source
First, explain what your child will see at the funeral or memorial service, i. e. the friend’s body may be in a casket and there will be many others there, too. Explain what will take place, as well. For example, other people will probably speak about the friend who’s died and other mourners may be crying. If you are religious, you can also share your faith’s spiritual beliefs about death and what these mourning rituals mean. Make sure to respect your child’s wants at the funeral, too. Don’t force your child to stay if he or she wants to leave.
It is OK for your child to see you cry. This can make the child more comfortable with showing his or her own emotions. Your child should also know that it’s OK to feel strong emotions when a friend has died, like anger, sadness, and fear. [8] X Expert Source Vernita Marsh, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.
For example, you could give your child the chance to say a final goodbye by writing a letter for the graveside or casket or by releasing a balloon. You can also encourage your child to draw pictures or write poems or stories about the friend and how they feel. Put limits on grieving behavior, though. It’s normal for kids to react to death with some regressive behavior, but limit acting out and displays of physical aggression.
Ask for books about death and loss for children at your local bookstores or libraries. A librarian may be able to make recommendations. You can probably find them in sections on psychology. Books like When Someone Very Special Dies, I Know I Made it Happen: A Gentle Book About Grief, or The Next Place may be appropriate.
For example, act if your normally outgoing and loving child becomes angry, withdrawn, morose, or overly anxious. A counselor or school therapist can help deal with these emotions. Pay attention to your child’s performance in school, as well. A small drop, like an A to a B is normal, but a more noticeable drop in his or her grades, like suddenly going from getting Top Grades in every class to failing every test could mean that the child is struggling and needs extra support.
Think about mentioning the situation to your child’s teacher, even if just in passing. That way, he will understand if your child acts out of character in the classroom. You might also set up a meeting between your child and the guidance counselor. This can be private – just the counselor and your child – or you can ask to participate.
