Pay special attention to family friends, parents of your child’s friends, teachers, counselors, bus drivers, and coaches. Keep in mind that most teachers, counselors, or coaches only want to help your child. It’s possible that they’re paying special attention to your child because they have a special talent or need. For instance, a coach might give special attention to their best player. However, ask questions to be sure.
Offering help doesn’t make someone a predator, and it’s possible they’re just being nice. When trying to decide if this is a sign of grooming, consider the person’s relationship to you and your child, as well as if they’re showing other signs of grooming.
For example, a soccer coach might offer to run drills after practice, or a camp counselor may offer to take your child on a special camping trip after camp is over. Don’t let your guard down just because other kids will be there. For instance, a groomer might invite your child to spend the night with just them and their own children. While this may be innocent, don’t hesitate to ask questions and look for other signs of grooming just to be sure.
It’s also possible for a groomer to first befriend you and then try to befriend your child. An adult who doesn’t have bad intentions shouldn’t object to you or another adult being present.
How did you meet your friend? What kinds of things do you talk about with your friend? What does your friend like to do? Does your friend ever give you presents? Has your friend gotten you candy or ice cream? Does your friend have kids you play with? If your child is reluctant to talk about their friend, or they mention keeping a “secret,” that can be a sign of grooming. [7] X Expert Source Natalie Feinblatt, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 30 July 2021. Do you ever feel uncomfortable or confused when you’re around your friend?
You might say, “Earlier I heard you talking about thong underwear. Who told you about that?” or “Did you have fun at baseball practice today? What was coach saying to you after it ended?”
For example, the groomer might “accidentally” touch your child by bumping into them. Similarly, they may “innocently” touch your child by patting them on the back or giving them a quick hug. “Unusual” touching might include tickling or wrestling with your child.
If it’s around the holidays or your child’s birthday, it’s possible the gifts are innocent. Before you decide the behavior is grooming, consider the person’s relationship to your child and if they’re doing other grooming behaviors. For instance, it’s normal for relatives to give a child gifts.
If you have any concerns about a relationship, talk to your parent, guardian, or a trusted friend or relative.
They offer you advice. They offer to be there for you while you’re going through a problem. They point out how others are untrustworthy. They claim to be going through something similar to you. They present themself as an authority figure. They give you compliments. They validate your thoughts. They pretend to reveal very important details about themself.
For example, they may invite you to meet them at a local park or might ask to you to come over to their home. Similarly, they may offer to tutor you or show you a really cool thing they just bought. If you ask to bring someone else and they get mad, upset, or suggest rescheduling to a time you’ll be alone, then it may be a sign that something is wrong. On the other hand, they might try to use their charm to convince you that it’s okay. Notice if they try to convince you that you’ll have more fun alone. For instance, they might say something like, “We’ll have more fun if we go by ourselves,” or “There’s only room for the two of us, so we might not get to go if you invite someone else. "
You might say, “Mom, I have this older friend who’s bought me a lot of clothes and jewelry lately. Do you think that’s okay?”
For instance, notice if the names of their family members change, if they have trouble remembering something they told you before, or if their interests suddenly change to match yours. For example, let’s say you’re talking to a guy who says he’s the same age as you are, but then you meet in person and you realize he’s much older. End the relationship immediately and tell a trusted adult.
For example, you might say, “Soccer practice was really tough today,” but they reply, “I’ll bet you need a nice massage. I’m imagining giving you one. ” This is not okay. Similarly, they might start a conversation with something like, “What are you wearing?” Watch out for attempts to bring you out of your comfort zone, whether they try to make you do something, say something, or think something that makes you uncomfortable. [19] X Expert Source Natalie Feinblatt, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 30 July 2021.
Say, “Please don’t touch me,” or “I don’t like to be hugged. ”
For instance, you might say, “It’s not okay for anyone to touch you, especially on your private area. Anytime someone touches you in a way you don’t like, even if they’re a doctor or teacher, tell me about it so I can make sure you’re safe. ” Keep your tone soft and friendly when you talk to your child about dangers. Since your child wants you to be happy, they may be less likely to tell you something they think will upset you.
Attend your child’s school’s open house and other school events to meet with the faculty. Visit the homes of your child’s friends. Regularly attend your child’s sports practices or other activities. Listen your child’s stories and ask about people you don’t know.
For instance, when you arrive at a family event and see your child’s grandmother, say, “Look, grandma is here! Do you want to give her a hug?” If your child says no, say, “That’s okay. Good job speaking up. ”
Tell your child every day that you love and value them. Say, “I’m so proud that you’re my child. ”
Try installing parental monitoring software on your child’s phone and computer. Get all of your child’s passwords to their online accounts.
