For example, perhaps you have noticed that your roommate has been using your makeup even after you have asked her not to. It might be passive-aggression if you confront her about it and your roommate plays dumb. She might pretend that she did not know it bothered you and she may even seem take pleasure in upsetting you.
For example, a passive-aggressive person might compliment a rival co-worker who has just been promoted by saying something like, “Congratulations! It must feel pretty good to finally get promoted after trying for so many years. ” This compliment suggests that the person who has been promoted is less successful because it took so long to get the promotion.
For example, a friend might agree to help you with a chore at your house, but then text you that morning to say she isn’t feeling well and can’t help. While this might be understandable if it’s a one-time thing, a friend who consistently has excuses for why she can’t help may be using passive-aggression.
For example, your passive-aggressive friend might insist, “I’m not upset!” when she clearly is, give you the silent treatment during a disagreement, or avoid responding to your calls or messages. [7] X Research source On the other hand, some people have trouble discussing their feelings but aren’t necessarily passive-aggressive. When a person is truly passive-aggressive, they display sullenness or withdrawal as well as other traits of passive aggression, especially the tendency to lash out or sabotage the relationship later.
Does this person talk badly about others but never confront them about what is bothering her? Does she sabotage her relationships with others? Does she string people on and then disappoint them? Does she withhold affection, attention, or use her children as a bargaining tool (for example, in her relationship with an ex-husband or with her parents)? These are features of passive-aggressive personalities. Remember that even if this friend or partner does not treat you badly, once she becomes more comfortable in the relationship she is more likely to treat you the same way she treats others.
Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is marked by someone who has trouble saying what he feels in the moment, so he holds in his frustration or anger and then acts on it later. Frustration and anger might be expressed by little moments of sarcasm, particularly when it is hurtful or biting humor. [10] X Research source
The problem is when these behaviors form a pattern or interfere with relationships because of their regularity. [11] X Research source
When you talk to someone and tell him that his behavior is hurting you, it is likely that he will deny everything (remember, passive-aggressive people don’t like to talk about their feelings– they certainly don’t like to be called out about them!). Stick to facts and give examples, but be prepared for resistance and denial.
Talking together can help you understand the possible roots of the passive-aggressive behavior, if the person is willing to open up a bit and you are willing to suspend judgment and be understanding. [15] X Research source Ask questions about his or her childhood, youth, early relationships (especially ones that might have ended badly), or other life scenarios where speaking his or her mind might have backfired. Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often a coping strategy used by people who have had negative experiences that left them feeling helpless or powerless. [16] X Research source
Many times, avoidance is the only strategy that can use to avoid being a victim of passive-aggressiveness. But if the other person recognizes the problem and is willing to work on it, there are many ways to improve your relationship by working on your communication strategies.
You might be contributing to passive-aggressive treatment from a partner or friend if you cover for him or her, making excuses for bad behavior or broken commitments, and “rescuing” him or her from poor choices. [21] X Research source You might also be enabling the behavior by being a silent victim, not pointing out the behavior and letting him or her get away with mistreating you. This teaches your partner that you will not challenge bad behavior. [22] X Research source You might also be encouraging passive aggression if you punish your partner or friend for speaking their mind. Do you get sulky or angry if your friend says they don’t want to hang out? That type of behavior might lead to someone making excuses or breaking commitments for fear of angering you. Similarly, if you refuse to engage in discussions about feelings, your partner is less likely to open up to you and more likely to harbor resentment.
