One classic example of this is when a child brings home a good grade on a test. The child might say, “Look! I got an A- on my math test!” A toxic parent might respond with, “Well, why didn’t you get an A+?” This undermines the child’s hard work and leaves the child feeling that the parent is disappointed in them.
A parent’s biggest responsibility towards their child is to care for the child, not the other way around.
For many toxic parents, this also means that they feel they need to control everyone else. In order to be happy, a toxic person needs to get what they want, so they aren’t afraid to make other people (their children included) feel bad in order to get what they want. They also might not even be able to identify other people’s emotions and be unaware that their behavior is having a negative effect on other people.
Negativity breeds negativity. A child who grows up around a parent who is constantly negative will likely develop the same attitude. On top of that, they will feel bad about themselves because they heard so many negative things about themselves from their parent. Keep in mind that some toxic parents will be perfectly pleasant with everyone except for their children.
Hitting a child in any way (including spanking) is physical abuse. [4] X Research source When it comes to children, any form of sexual touching is considered sexual abuse. [5] X Research source If you suspect that the child of someone you know is being abused, you should contact the authorities, even if you aren’t sure. Some signs to watch for include sudden changes in behavior, extreme withdrawal, acting out or attention-seeking, appearing disheveled or unclean, and wearing clothing that is not weather-appropriate. It is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to a situation such as this. You can contact the police, child protective services (CPS), or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) if you need help finding the right people to contact. If you are a child who is being abused, tell someone. You can tell a teacher at school that you trust, or you can call the police. If you are too afraid to do either of those, you can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). They also have a website where you can live chat with someone if you don’t want to call. The website is http://www. thehotline. org/help/.
If you want to, you can use the journal to identify negative patterns that might help you deal with your toxic parent. Write down events that affect you, and think about how you might be able to deal with these types of events in the future. In the journal, try to write down positive things about yourself, too. If your parent is making you feel bad about yourself, it is important to give yourself reminders that you are not a bad person. You might make mistakes, but so does everyone else. Each day, try to write down one thing that you did that was good. It may seem silly, but it can have a huge impact on the way you see yourself. You can also ask friends and family members to add to this list. It can be uplifting to hear positive things about yourself from other people. Just make sure to avoid any family members who your parent may have influenced with a narrative about you because their view of you may be skewed.
You should also remember that the only person you can control is yourself. As a child, it isn’t your responsibility to keep your parent happy; however, you are not living in a healthy parent-child relationship. In this case, the only thing you can do is take care of your own behaviors and your reactions. Thus, it might be helpful to write down ways in which you can handle situations in your journal. Write down past reactions, too. How might you have reacted better? This is not an exercise in self-loathing, rather it is a proactive way to try to give yourself a bit more control over the situation. [7] X Research source
This is also a good idea because another adult may be able to act as a mediator between you and your parent. Having another adult present if you want to talk to your parent can be helpful because the parent is less likely to simply brush you off, saying that you are a kid and that you don’t know anything.
If you are being abused, you should contact the authorities immediately. If you are afraid to call the police, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). You can also go to their website at http://www. thehotline. org/help/ to chat with a representative. This is completely confidential, and they can give you advice on what to do, where to go, and who to call.
If you are over the age of 18, you are legally an adult. You can leave your parent’s home and never look back if you want. If you do hope to maintain a relationship with your toxic parent, you could consider explaining to the parent why you’re distancing yourself. This might encourage your parent to get the help they need; however, you should also be prepared for a parent who has no interest in changing. Make sure to evaluate whether or not cutting off your relationship with the parent is worth it or if you would miss the relationships that you might lose in the process, such as with your other parent and/or siblings. It may be worth it to stay in the relationship to better maintain these other relationships. In some cases, it may be best for you to cut off all contact with your parent. Especially if it is clear that they have no interest in doing anything differently. Go out and find people that treat you well and make them your family. Many people find friends that they treat as family. This may be painful, but in the long run, you will likely be happier and healthier for it.
If you are a close family friend, you could try talking to the toxic parent about what your concerns, but this will be a difficult conversation, and the parent may end up just pushing you out of their lives. If you suspect that the child is being abused, it’s safer for everyone involved if you contact CPS or the police about the matter, rather than trying to deal with the matter yourself. Keep in mind that emotional abuse can be hard to prove if there is no physical or sexual abuse as well. Keep a list of proof of anything you have observed as evidence that emotional abuse is occurring. This could be videos of them hurting you or voice recordings of verbal abuse, for example. If you don’t think you can talk to them about it, you could try being the child’s ally. If it is appropriate, you can give the child the encouragement they need to feel loved and appreciated. Having at least one person in their life that is positive will be better than nothing.
That said this doesn’t mean that you have to stick around dealing with them all of the time, nor is it an excuse for their behavior. If you are becoming depressed trying to deal with a toxic parent, it is okay to walk away. Your own well-being should be your top priority.
