How has taking offense easily shaped you? Do you expect to be offended often, causing you to be very defensive? Do you find it difficult to trust others? Avoid the trap of thinking that you’re a sensitive person, and that taking offense is a hard-wired part of your personality. You may indeed be very sensitive to outside influence—most people are. But, sensitivity is different from taking others’ actions personally.
Examine your relationship with yourself. The easily bruised egos that result from feeling vulnerable and defensive usually mask fundamental insecurities and mistrust of self. [3] X Research source Do you feel insecure about your identity or uncomfortable in your skin? Are you finding what you feel inside out in the world, in the form of an offensive comment or slight? Just because you have an intense experience of your feelings does not mean that people are being purposely malicious toward you. In fact, others can rarely tell when people around them are highly sensitive even if they wanted to purposely harm sensitive people.
It is important to remember that while an action may have carried a particular meaning at some other point does not mean that this will always be the same in the future. For example, say while growing up, a school teacher scolded you for wearing a revealing shirt to school, making you feel frightened and ashamed. Upon a current friend’s neutral suggestion that you bring a sweater to wear over your halter top, you could take offense and lash out at her, not quite knowing why.
This is especially problematic since growing older usually involves being increasingly responsible for our own needs. Often, working on this issue means that the fulfillment of emotional needs requires better balance between yourself and others. Do you work to manage your emotional needs or expect others to conform to your ideal way of being treated?
If someone says something potentially offensive, question if you really do feel burned because their take is that important to you. You might just be martyring yourself to illuminate a faux pas or rude remark just for the hell of it–out of self-righteousness or a desire to control who says what.
Additionally, having a stronger sense of your own values will help you feel less threatened when they are challenged. Trusting your values makes others’ opinions less important.
You might develop little mantras to tell yourself, like “Most people are doing the best they can to be compassionate” or “If each person doesn’t prioritize their own needs, who will?”
If the emotions are running too high to just pause, try counting to ten in your head. Learning and practicing mindfulness exercises regularly will make this easier. Mindfulness involves learning how to strategically detach from strong emotions so that more measured responses can be formulated. [7] X Research source One mindfulness exercise is to spend time focusing on your breath. When you attend to the sensation of your breath coming and going, you gain a stronger connection to your feelings rather than pesky, automatic thoughts.
Try to find a word for what you’re going through. Are you mad? Hurt? Afraid of rejection? Frustrated? Something else? If someone says that your haircut might not be the best style for you, your head might be screaming “Oh no she didn’t! Give her a piece of your mind!” Hear this anger and feel your urge to lash out in response. This way you can see that as just one of many possible ways that you could respond. It’s also important to see how angry you feel inside so that you can gauge your next move. [9] X Research source For example, if you feel enraged then you may not want to respond humorously (since humor in your state might not be perceived as humor at all).
For example, maybe you’re peeved that your friend skipped your party and stayed home instead. Your first instinct might be to feel like he’s being selfish. But then it may help to pause and imagine what he might be thinking. [11] X Research source Maybe he’s tired, having a rough day, or in need of some alone time. You may not get to the bottom of why someone did something, but that’s okay. The point is to recognize that they might not be meaning to send the message that you first thought they did.
Saying “no” to an activity or to spending time with a person is a right that everyone has. Trying to pressure someone to do something, or to pressure others to avoid a person, is inappropriate. It’s okay to dislike a person or thing. But name-calling usually crosses a line. Teasing can be a gray area. If the other person hasn’t asked for it to stop, then it’s often okay. However, if they’ve asked not to be teased (either about a certain topic or just in general), then teasing them anyway is inappropriate. Jokes or teasing that degrade a person or a group of people is also wrong. [13] X Research source Telling the truth is almost always acceptable, unless something is secret (e. g. someone’s sexual orientation). Trying to trick or fool someone, even because you think you’re outing them as a liar, is almost always not. Remembering an event differently than you did is possible. This happens sometimes and neither person may be in the wrong for that. But trying to convince you that your memory is incorrect can be a sign of manipulation.
This means letting go of the little annoyances and minor slights. Ruminating over negative feelings is like making an investment in sadness. [14] X Research source Your time is valuable, and you don’t need to spend it re-living moments of fleeting discomfort.
Is the stress of a conversation worth the results? Would it be better to let it go? How often do you ask people to change their behavior? Is there a risk of them feeling nitpicked or like they have to walk around eggshells around you? You may want to pick your battles. Is now a good time to talk? Are they distracted or busy? (If so, you might want to wait. )
Redirect the conversation. Let the matter drop and find a new focus. This is a good option if you feel that attempting to clear up the matter would just create more opportunities to be offended Laugh it off or make a friendly joke. Sometimes this can help ease tension.
“I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understood that. Could you please re-word that?” “Hey, I was waiting for nearly half an hour. What happened? Is everything okay?” “Mom, I notice you’ve been making comments about my appearance lately. Can I ask what’s up with that?” “When I tried to talk in that meeting, I noticed you often started speaking before I could finish my sentences. What was going on there?”
“Please don’t tease me about my lisp. I don’t like it. " “If you keep calling me names, I will leave. " “I asked you to stop making comments about my body and I told you how it makes me feel. I don’t understand why you keep doing that. " “I said I don’t feel comfortable making out tonight. That means no. " “I asked you to return my homework. When the teacher asks where it is, I will tell the truth. Are you going to give it back to me?”
Push yourself to think deeply about these moments, expressing how you felt and why you took offense. Don’t assume that the offense requires no explanation or is “obviously” offensive. Write why you were offended, not why anyone would take offense at the same thing. Then, write these moments down as if you are a journalist reporting an incident. Instead of writing about how you feel, try writing about what an outside observer saw.
For example, say you are offended by someone explaining something to you that you already know. Perhaps you are offended because your ego is bruised because the person doesn’t see your smarts. Can you reasonably expect that this person should spend their time keeping track of what you know and don’t know? These patterns are your triggers. When something like this happens to you in the future, you will know that the moment is ideal for trying out other responses. [17] X Research source
Maybe you are offended because someone comes to your house-warming party without bringing a gift. The thoughts that might support taking offense could be ideas like: “Bringing a gift is the only way to show warmth. " “A gift for me should be this person’s priority regardless of other financial obligations. " “I need to receive tokens from others to know that I am loved and supported”.
Try asking for an outside opinion if it helps. This means asking someone who isn’t close to the person who keeps upsetting you. They might have wisdom to help you know what to let go and what to take seriously. If this is a close relationship and it’s becoming deeply stressful, then maybe a counselor can help you tease it apart.
When you work on your reactions, you are making yourself a more flexible and joyous person who can handle more of the world with ease. Taking the “high road” is not just more noble, but actually more beneficial to your ability to cope with everyday life.
