If your role is clear and you know what you need to apologize for, making amends should be fairly straightforward (though not necessarily less difficult). For example, if you borrowed someone’s car without asking and got into a fender bender, it should be pretty clear how to make amends. On the other hand, maybe it’s not so clear. For example, maybe you and a friend haven’t spoken in months, and both of you said hurtful things that have led the relationship to come to a standstill. It might be hard to put your finger on how the feud started and who’s responsible.
Are you trying to cover up feelings of shame because you are afraid of being a lesser person if you acknowledge your wrongdoing? Don’t worry - apologizing for something you did wrong actually makes you a better person in others’ eyes, not a worse one. Are you aware of your mistake but have convinced yourself that you need to fight your way out of this to preserve your reputation? All you’re going to do is create a new reputation for yourself as someone who’s angry and stubborn. Are you worried that this is a battle between self-respect and respect for others?
Change your frame of mind. If you’re still feeling angry, wronged, unforgiving, or just plain fed up, realize that your relationship with the other person matters more than being right all the time.
Acknowledge the wrongdoing you have committed. [4] X Research source Don’t be arrogant or stubborn - instead, be honest. Even if you think there is shared blame, reach a point where you are able to be the bigger person about it. Look over your reasons on paper. What leaps out in particular? Can you see patterns emerging? For example, you might find a pattern of behavior where you have behaved selfishly around this person or other people on several occasions. The actual event isn’t as important as your negative motivation, so try to home in on that aspect because you will want to convey that you have understood this to the person to whom you will be apologizing.
If necessary, give yourself time to cool off and let the passing time heal wounds. Don’t leave it too long, however, since the longer your anger festers and the longer the other person’s mistrust of you is confirmed, the harder it will be to reconcile. Accept that your own bad behavior happened and that it is now time to clean up the mess the behavior left behind. Acceptance is not about condoning - it’s about recognizing things for what they are. Acknowledge that it is OK initially to feel anger about whatever happened but don’t use your anger as an excuse. Make a choice to move beyond anger - remember that this is about your mistake, not your allegedly besmirched reputation.
Making amends might just mean putting yourself out on a limb and apologizing for your behavior. Sometimes making amends requires more than an apology. You might have to back up your words with some actions. For example, if you were responsible for destroying someone’s property, paying for it can go a long way toward patching up the problem.
Be prepared to take responsibility for what you did. It’s a good idea to elaborate on what you did wrong at the outset and to accept that you did the wrong thing. This sets the tone of remorse for the rest of the conversation. You can start simply with “I an sorry I hurt you. I was wrong to. . . think/say/do, etc. “. Acknowledging their hurt will go a long way to easing tensions. Realize that if this is not the first time you’ve hurt someone else, and the other person has heard your apologies before, that a mere “sorry” won’t cut it. Sorry can be too easy a word to utter when it’s not backed up by real change. Think about how you will make it clear that you really do express sincere and genuine regret when you promise never to act this way again or to repeat your mistake. [6] X Research source
If you are seeking to make amends with family members whom you have not seen for a long time, consider meeting them on neutral territory rather than in one another’s homes. This will remove any usual tensions that being on one’s own territory can raise. If you can’t meet in person, consider writing a letter rather than typing one or emailing. It’s far more personal to put your pen to paper and to express your feelings in your own handwriting.
Aim to leave this discussion on making amends with a stronger relationship than before your mistake. If you head into it with this state of mind, that you really care to re-establish your connection with this person and want things to be not only as good as they were once, but better, then you’re off to a great start. Watch your body language, tone of voice, stance, and attitude. If you are truly sorry, all of these elements should help to convey your genuine apology. Eye contact is an important sign that you mean what you’re saying and not avoiding them, or the truths of the wrongdoing. Avoid using “you” statements; always refer to “I feel”, “I think”, “I believe”, “I thought I”, etc. It’s not their wrongdoing up for discussion. Avoid adding in little lines about feeling justified. That puts you right back into combat mode.
Explain the ways in which you intend to make changes to your own behavior. If there are any demonstrable ways you can use to back up this promise of change, use them. For example, you might tell the other person that you’ll never ride an ATV again since the accident you had that killed the other person’s prize sheep, and show them the advertisement for the vehicle’s sale. Be very honest in telling the other person what you have learned from this experience. This helps the other person to realize that you truly did learn a lesson, that you are contrite, and how effective a lesson it was. If needed, you might also consider going so far as to provide an out for the other person should you fail to keep your promise – this is a last resort approach and its effectiveness will really depend on the extent and depth of your mistake. For example, you might say “If I break this promise to you, you are free to sell my Star Trek collection. "
Focus on what’s ahead for both of you and don’t keep reliving whatever happened. Even if you don’t make up with the other person because they have made a decision that things are completely broken between you, make a decision to never hurt another person in this way again. [11] X Research source
Self-forgiveness (which is at the heart of making amends) enables you to live in the present rather than the past, so even if things don’t work out, be grateful for this gift. By forgiving yourself, you will heal.
