For example, you might start your journal by asking yourself, “What is the decision that I need to make and what am I afraid might happen if I make the wrong choice?”
For example, if you need to decide between staying full time at your job or taking a part-time job in order to spend more time with your kids, think about what the worst case scenario of each decision would be. If you chose to keep the full time job, the worst case scenario might be that you miss out on important moments in your children’s development and that your children resent you for this when they are older. If you choose to keep the part time job, the worst case scenario might be that you might not be able to pay the bills each month. Decide whether this worst-case scenario is actually likely to happen. It’s easy for us to “catastrophize,” or spin things out to the worst possible thing that can happen, without taking the time to think. Examine the worst scenario you’ve proposed, and then consider what would have to happen to get you there. Is this likely?[2] X Research source
For example, say you decide to take a part-time job to spend more time with your kids. If you end up having trouble paying the bills, you can reverse the decision by looking for a full time job.
You may also consider talking to someone who is removed from the situation and who will have a neutral opinion. A therapist can often be a helpful source for this type of perspective. You can even consider searching online for others who have experienced a similar situation. If you were trying to decide between full-time work and part-time work plus more time with your kids, you could post your problem on a parenting forum online. You will likely hear from people who have had to make similar decisions as well as some people who will tell you what they would do in your situation.
Try taking a few deep breaths to help calm yourself down. If you have more time, go into a quiet room and do about 10 minutes of deep breathing exercises. To perform deep breathing exercises, start by placing on hand on your belly below your ribcage and the other on your chest. When you inhale, you should feel your abdomen expand as well as your chest. [6] X Research source Inhale slowly through your nose. Aim to inhale for a 4-count. Focus on the feeling of the breath as your lungs expand. Hold the breath for 1-2 seconds. Gently release the breath through your nose or mouth. Aim to exhale for a 4-count. Repeat this process 6-10 times per minute for 10 minutes.
For example, if you were trying to decide between keeping a full-time job and switching to a part-time job to spend more time with your kids, you would need to know how much money you would be losing each month by making the switch. You would also need to consider how much time you would gain with your kids. Record this information, as well as any other relevant information that might help you make your decision. [8] X Research source You would need to consider other options too, and gather information about them. For example, you could ask your employer whether it’s possible for you to telecommute at least a few days a week.
“Why am I considering part-time work?” Because I never see my kids. “Why do I never see my kids?” Because I work late most nights. “Why do I work late most nights?” Because we have a new account that is taking up a lot of my time. “Why is it taking up so much of my time?” Because I am trying to do a good job and hopefully get promoted as a result. “Why do I want to be promoted?” To earn more money and provide for my family. In this case, the five whys shows that you are considering reducing your hours even though you are hoping for a promotion. There is a conflict here that requires further investigation in order to make a good decision. The five whys also suggest that this problem may be temporary – you are working so long because you have a new account. Consider: will your hours remain this long once you are more comfortable with your new account?
For example, if a core value for you, something that is a deep part of your identity, is ambition, moving to part-time could represent a misalignment because you are no longer pursuing your ambition of getting promoted and become the top person at your company. Your core values may sometimes conflict with one another, too. For example, you may have ambition and family-orientedness as core values. You may need to prioritize one over the other to come to a decision. Understanding what values will be affected by your decision can help you make the right one. You should also consider how the problem or decision affects other people. Will any of the possible outcomes negatively affect people you care about? Take others into account throughout your decision making process, especially if you are married or have children. For example, the decision to move to part-time could have a positive impact on your kids because it would mean more time with you, but it could have a negative impact on you because you may have to give up on your ambition for a promotion. It may also have a negative on your whole family by reducing your income.
Of course, this doesn’t have to be a physical list. It can just be in your head too! You can always cross items off the list later, but with crazy ideas might come some creative solutions that you might not have considered otherwise. For example, you could find another full-time job at a company that does not require so much overtime. You could hire a person to help you with housework, freeing up your time to spend with your family. You could even set up a “family work” evening where everyone does their work together, in the same room, helping you all feel more connected. Research also suggests that having too many options can lead to confusion and make it harder to make a decision. [13] X Research source Once you have generated your list, eliminate anything that is obviously impractical. Try to keep your list of options to about five items.
To make a spreadsheet, create a column for each possible choice that you are considering. Within each column, make two sub-columns to compare the benefits and losses of each possible outcome. Use + and – signs to indicate which items are positive and which items are negative. You can also assign points values to each item on your list. For example, you might assign +5 points to an item on the “Switch to Part-time Work” list called “will get to have dinner with my kids every night. ” On the other hand, you might assign -20 points to an item on the same list titled “will make $900 less per month. ” After you are finished making the spreadsheet, you can add up the points values and determine which decision has the highest score. Just keep in mind that you may not be able to make a decision using this strategy alone.
Its important to ask questions and gather information or knowledge before making a decision, but if you want to come up with a truly creative and intelligent decision, you need to stop thinking or at least slow down the thinking. Breath meditation is one of the structure-less methods to bring space between thoughts that allows the creativity and universal intelligence emerge through. Its structure-less cause it doesn’t require you to dedicate a lot of time, as you can become aware of you breath while doing daily tasks like cooking, brushing teeth, walking etc. For more methods and details, read Stay Rooted in Being. Consider an example: A musician has knowledge and information(tools) about how to make music like playing instruments, sing, songwriting etc but its the creative intelligence that comes through them that drives the tools. Yes, knowledge about music instruments, singing etc is important but its the creative intelligence that’s the essence of the song.
An intelligence decision may come in the form of an impulse but be aware if you feel the same way about the decision after sometime. That’s why taking gaps after collecting information, by asking questions, helps to make intelligent decisions. Experiment: Notice the quality of actions after you take a few deep breaths as compared to when your actions arise out of an impulse.
Try role playing to use this strategy. Sit beside an empty chair and pretend that you are talking to yourself as if you were someone else. If you’d rather not sit and talk to yourself, you can also try writing yourself a letter offering advice. Start your letter by saying, “Dear ___, I have considered your situation and I think that the best thing for you to do is to ____. ” Continue the letter by explaining your point of view (from an outsider’s perspective).
To play devil’s advocate, try to argue against every good reason you have for wanting to make your preferred choice. If it is easy to do, then you may find that you really want to make a different choice. For example, if you are leaning towards going part-time to spend more time with your kids, contradict yourself by pointing out that you spend lots of quality time with your kids on the weekends and during your vacation times. You can also point out that the money and potential promotions you will lose are worth missing out on some family dinners because they can benefit your children more than an extra couple of hours of your time every night. They will also benefit your own ambition, which is worthy of consideration too.
Doing things because we feel guilty can also be harmful because it can lead us to make decisions that aren’t congruent with our values. [19] X Research source [20] X Research source One way to recognize guilt motivation is to look for “should” or “must” statements. [21] X Research source For example, you might feel as though “Good parents should spend all the time with their children” or “A parent who works X number of hours must be a bad parent. ” These statements are based on external judgments, not your own values. So, to determine whether your decision is being driven by guilt, try to step back and examine the actual situation, as well as what your personal values (your core beliefs that govern your life) tell you is right. Are your children actually suffering because you’re working full-time? Or do you feel that way because that is how you have been told by others you “should” feel?
For example, do you think that in 10 years you will you regret the decision to move to part-time? If so, why? What might you accomplish in 10 years of working full-time that you will not accomplish in 10 years of working part-time?
Ask yourself what you want to do. Chances are you have a good sense of which decision will make you feel the happiest and you should lean towards that decision. It’s the change and the discomfort with the unknown that’s making the decision difficult. Taking some moments for quiet reflection can help you get in touch with your intuition. The more decisions you practice making, the more you can refine and hone your intuition. [25] X Research source
Having a backup plan will also allow you to respond to unforeseen challenges or setbacks with flexibility. Your ability to adapt to unexpected circumstances can directly affect your ability to succeed with your decisions.
