When you’re listening to someone, ask questions to keep them talking. Look them in the eye and nod your head to show that you’re listening. And really listen to what they’re saying, don’t just wait for your turn to talk. One good listening technique is repeating and summarizing what your friend has said. When it’s your turn to respond, start with things like, “It sounds like what you’re saying is. . . " or “That’s interesting how you. . . “[2] X Research source Don’t one-up people in conversation. If your friend is upset and telling you about a break-up they’re going through, it’s not the time to talk about how your last break-up was so much worse. A conversation isn’t a contest.
Try making plans that you’ll specifically break. If you go home every day and play video games for an hour, decide that you’ll do something else, but don’t come up with what it is until you get out of school. Commit to coming up with a fun plan by the time you get home. Make yourself be spontaneous right now. Chat up the cute barista from the coffee shop you always go to, or call and old friend and ask if they want to hang out tonight. There’s no time like the present.
Try to distinguish between important things to speak up about and less important things. If all your friends want to go out for tacos tonight, but you just ate tacos for lunch, is it really worth re-opening the debate and dissent? Probably not. Being agreeable doesn’t mean being a doormat. If you have a legitimate complaint, or you disagree with people about a matter of safety, people enjoy being around people who speak their minds as well. Just make sure you’re not dissenting just to have something to say.
Try to find the fun in things. If you’re out at dinner and the service is terrible, the food stinks, and the place is crowded and loud, instead of getting grumpy, get everyone playing a game, or try to laugh it off. Get people talking about something positive. Try complaining less. If you feel like you’re wanting to talk about something you don’t like, steer yourself away and talk about something you do like.
Write out five things you enjoy doing in your town and keep the list on you at all times. If your friends are bored and hanging out, you’ll be the one with the back-ups in an emergency. Sometimes, just hanging out quietly can be fun. You don’t need to be wild and crazy all the time to make people want to be around you, and introverts are often just as fun to be around as super-extroverts.
Don’t be afraid to take on leadership roles. If you’re working on a school project and everyone is waffling, take charge if you’ve got an idea about what to do. Don’t automatically wait for others to be in control. If you speak from a place of confidence, it will make you seem like a mysterious and magnetic person other people will want to be around. Practice speaking clearly and loudly when you share your ideas.
Learn to sit comfortably, breathing normally and sitting still. Don’t tap your foot, chew gum nervously, or otherwise fidget. Just sit and be. Practice just sitting sometimes. If you’re riding the bus, you could fidget with your phone or listen to headphones, or you could just practice sitting there, doing nothing. Practice looking like you’re at ease.
Do what’s expected of you and more, if possible. If you do the dishes without being asked, always hang up your towel, and cook meals for everyone, you’ll be much more likely to be asked to be someone’s roommate. Be self-sufficient, as much as possible. The less you need to ask for help, the more you’ll be confident in your own abilities, as well as you’ll be able to help others with their own problems. You’ll be useful.
Ask lots of questions in conversation to keep people talking and at ease in conversation. You can keep conversations flowing easily by asking more questions. Even simple things like, “What was that like?” or “How did it feel?” will keep people talking. A lot of times, people will misidentify social awkwardness as self-centeredness or egotism. While this is unfortunate, you can do a lot to avoid this misconception by showing an honest and legitimate interest in other people. Don’t just talk about yourself. Look people in the eye when you speak to them. Show them physically that you’re open and paying attention as they speak.
Don’t hedge your statements or go back on them. Avoid starting sentences like, “Sorry, but. . . " or “I don’t really know. . . " or “This is dumb, but. . . " Don’t obliterate your ideas before you’ve even shared them. Just say what you think. Stand up for yourself.
Don’t talk just to talk. If you don’t have anything to contribute to a group conversation, or if your opinion would merely be repetitive, just stay quiet. It’s not important to be the center of the conversation. [8] X Research source
On the other side of this coin is the idea that you can be anyone you want. Just because you’ve been meek or quiet in the past doesn’t mean you always have to be. Be willing to make a change for the better and improve yourself, if you identify something that needs to be improved. What’s your ideal version of yourself?
Don’t humble-brag, either, especially on social networking. Nothing can sour people to your presence quite like a bunch of tweets about how you’re so bummed about how much work you have to do now that you’re the team captain, or how hot the water in your hot tub gets in the summer. Boo-hoo.
Try out a mantra that will keep you positive, even if it feels corny. But let that voice invade your brain and crowd out the other complainers. Steal confidence boosting lines and ideas from uplifting songs. Even if it’s some braggadocious rap, start bumping that Jay-Z to get yourself pumped. You got this, whatever it is.
Shower at least 4-5 times a week and change your clothes regularly. Change your socks and underwear every day. Wash your face, under your arms, and your hair regularly. Brush your teeth twice a day.
Even if you go for an unkempt rockstar hair look, you’ve got to comb it every now and then. Nobody will want to hang out with you if you’ve got spiderweb growing in there.
There’s no one cool way to wear clothes, and what’s cool will totally depend on who you are, how old you are, and your own sense of style. You can look cool wearing thrift store clothes or wearing clothes from the mall. Pick a style that makes you feel good. If you feel better and more confident when you rock a hoodie and skater shoes, do it. If you feel confident when you dress up, start dressing up every day. If you can’t live without your Levi’s, get five pair that match.
Not everybody has to play sports, or be cut rock climbers, but try to find something physical that you enjoy doing. Try doing free running, or skateboarding, or hiking, if you don’t like traditional team-based sports. While it might seem like unhealthy vices like smoking, drugs, or alcohol can help you make friends, they won’t help you keep friends in the long term, especially if you develop a problem with substance addiction. You want to be around people who have your best interest in mind, not people who want to screw it up. Practice healthy habits.
Just because something is popular doesn’t make it good. You don’t have to be any particular way to fit in. If you love football and Magic: The Gathering equally, rep both at the same time. Be yourself.
